NANNY ROBOTS FOR CHILD CARE

When I was younger, ugh, I hate to go there, one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes was taken from a great Ray Bradbury story called “I Sing the Body Electric.” It’s about a group of children that lose their mother and the Father, who has to work all day goes and gets an android nanny to care for them. It was heartwarming, touching and fiction. Not any more. NEC has come up with a robot for child care called PaPeRo. Yes now you can drop your kids off with the cute cuddly little ‘droid. It is capable of recognising and talking to people. It can send images by mobile phone, as well as play games and sing along. OK now here comes the weird part and the one I don’t get. Adults can control the robot via the internet and see through it using cameras. They can even speak to children through the robot's voice. Now doesn’t this make the robot redundant and stupid. In other words if you have to monitor the children through the robot and the robot’s behavior, doesn’t it make as much sense or more to still just have a human day care worker? You haven’t eliminated the need. If it’s the parents that are monitoring the robot, how do they work? If it’s at a day care facility, you still have the day care worker monitoring the day care of the robot. You might as well have them in the room with them. All you’ve created is an expensive toy for the kids. You can do the same thing with a set of Transformers. OK, they get to interact with R2D2 but beyond that this is useless. Kids are smart. You wait, one of them will show up with a wrench and PaPeRo will be PartseRo spread all over the floor. The first time one of them shoots him with a squirt gun and short circuits him it’ll be the crap heap for PaPeRo. Trip him and see what happens, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” “Hey PaPeRo, would you like some of my pudding?” Nope. This just isn’t going to work.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=163013&in_page_id=34

TRYING TO SEE DEAD PEOPLE

Paranormal societies and ghost hunter groups are popping up all over. Unlike the tortured little boy in the movie the Sixth Sense who sees apparitions of the dead unintentionally, these people are going out and daily trying to stir up haunts from the other side. Personally, I think flirting with the dead is only asking for an accelerated means to join them. Just so we understand each other, I believe in ghosts, I’ve seen them. This does not mean that I want to encourage their presence into my everyday life. Scaring myself on purpose just is not fun. Now to the crux of things. Due to the popularity of TV shows like Ghost Whisperer and Sci-fi’s Ghost Hunters, paranormal societies all around the country are seeing a boom in membership. Yes everybody seems to want to know what goes on in the mind of a dead person. “Ghost reality shows have really opened the door for people to get involved themselves,” said James Willis, founder of The Ghosts of Ohio. Yep, the more the merrier. Apparently ghosts love a party. Forty of the 60 people who attended a recent dinner in Erie, Pa., that featured the Paranormal Study and Research Group asked if they could join the group or tag along on ghost hunts. A year earlier, only two or three asked to be involved after a similar event. Do ghosts like crowds? “Just thought I’d stop by to let you know I’m real. Got a cocktail?” Yea right. “We’re actually grateful for Ghost Hunters because instead of being a bunch of freaks, we’re like the cool people on TV,” founder Pat Jones said. “People used to look at us like we were absolutely insane, and now they want to come along with us. It’s almost like every day is Halloween.” Is that what this is about, not being considered flakes anymore, the endless search for credibility of the intangible. I know you were the kid that got beat up in school and now someone is paying attention to you in a way that doesn’t cause physical pain. Let’s see, I can go to Wal-mart, grab a video camera, throw up a website for a couple of bucks, call myself “Seekers of the Unknown, (Ya like that? Has a ring to it doesn’t it?) then run around in old houses and graveyards video taping nothing and hoping for something. If paint falls off the wall, I have ghostly activity. Cool. YouTube here I come. I can start my own channel, Spirits 24/7. “If you want to be taken seriously in this field, you have to acknowledge that some of the stuff out there is not real,” says Willis. So even if I get a video with nothing, it’s cool, because you don’t actually have to have ghosts to be a ghost hunter. Wow, sounds like a win win to me. This is almost too easy. And you get money for this? Yep, guest appearances, conventions, TV shows, elite memberships, sort of like the league of extraordinary ghost guys. Ghosts R Us, here I come. Next thing you know we will have someone going to the Denver City Council trying to get a commission on dealing with all the ghosts in town like Jeff Peckman is for UFOs. See previous blog.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/28/5696391-ap.html

JEFF PECKMAN'S DENVER SPACE ALIEN INITIATIVE AGAIN

Jeff Peckman, a Denver, Colorado citizen has been trying to get an initiative started through the city of Denver that would create an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission to prepare the city to deal with aliens. Now he is claiming to have footage of an alien peeking inside of someone’s window. Great, a peeping Tom alien. He intends to premiere this Friday. It sounds awfully Hollywood to me. I wonder if this will be a red carpet affair. Apparently the video, is supposed to become part of an upcoming documentary about earth being invaded by aliens from outer space. He claims the video is authentic and is part of what convinced him of the current need for action in Denver. "As impressive as it is, it's still one tiny portion in the context of a vast amount of peripheral evidence," he said Wednesday. "It's really the final visual confirmation of what you already know to be true having seen all the other evidence." It sounds pretty vague and what other evidence? He says he will show the video to City officials and media on Friday. This blog will be checking in on that. "It shows an extraterrestrial's head popping up outside of a window at night, looking in the window, that's visible through an infrared camera. The alien is about 4 feet tall and can be seen blinking,” Peckman said. If they’re only four feet tall, they don’t sound like much of a threat. Why were they there with infrared? Were they expecting it? Had it given prior notice of its arrival? Was this an RSVP? Here’s the thing that gets me. No one will be allowed to film the presentation Friday because there is some kind of deal in place for it regarding the documentary. What documentary? Who’s doing it? Even before I see it, this sounds staged to me as well as bought and paid for. This certainly is a way to get publicity for a small budget film. Maybe it’s trying to be another “Blair Witch Project.” How about “Voyeur Aliens From Space” or maybe it’s something like “Aliens Gone Wild.” Whatever it is we’re, going to be following this new illegal alien issue.http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2008/may/28/purported-ufo-video-be-shown-friday/

ROBOTS TO STIR SOUP

In Britain a $2 million dollar grant has been awarded to a company to develop a robot that can stir soup. Why does this seem stupid to me? It is funded by the European Commission and they feel it is a way to introduce robots into the service industry. I guess Americans aren’t the only ones that have to deal with government waste. Besides, aren’t these jobs supposed to be done by illegal immigrants? Bristol Robotics Lab in England is the lucky winner of the cash. "It will specifically look at the problems of a human and a robot working together in the same space, for example in a kitchen where the service robot is performing a task such as stirring soup, while you add cream." Let’s see, the economy is going into the toilet, unemployment is everywhere and you’re going to develop a robot that helps take away the few jobs that are out there. Am I missing something here? Why can’t we develop a robot that maybe runs into burning buildings or searches for earthquake victims? “Excuse me, call in Robby the Robot, soup’s on.” Lab director Professor Chris Melhuish explained: "When we interact with other humans we are interpreting facial expression, body position, gestures, tone of voice as well as sharing a goal and understanding and following verbal instructions. For example in the soup situation, not only does the robot need to know what the goal is but he also needs to know how hard to stir the soup, what it means when you hold up your hand to say enough, to interpret the look of pain on your face if you accidentally get splashed with hot soup, and to stop stirring when told. This project aims to develop the rules we need to introduce this level of sophistication into service robots who are working closely with people." Ok, I’m beginning to detect some issues here. Somebody doesn’t like working with people. Man, you need to get out more. Have you thought of dating. Is the soup bad in England? I mean, c’mon, you eat pickled eels and serve coffee (civit coffee) made from cat poop. How good can your cuisine be? The only thing palatable in England is the beer and that’s got alcohol to sterilize it. Just what I need is a robot bringing me my meal that whines like C3PO. “Oh my, I can speak 1000 languages and I’m stirring soup. R2, don’t touch that. R2 don’t go in there. Oh my no you’ve done it, the soup’s scorched.” What about the customers? “Oh waiter, there’s a microprocessor in my soup.” Robotic research fine. A robot to stir my soup? Get a real project.
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=147434&in_page_id=2

COP BUSTED FOR PARKING IN HANDICAPPED AT DONUT SHOP

Have you ever thought, hmm. I’ll only be a minute so I’ll just grab the handicapped spot? Sure, you have. You may not have done it, but you’ve thought it. In Missassauga, Ontario a police officer thought that and got caught. He decided to run into a Tim Horton’s coffee and donut shop, grab a cup of coffee and a sweet treat and run right back out. No problem right? Just as he ran in, a double amputee from Sault Sainte Marie, Canada pulls up. "I was shocked," said Gerard Taylor, "I said, 'Quick, we have got to get a picture.'" This was one cop that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. We all know that coffee and donuts is a high priority for these guys. Lesson for the day: I have to admit, I live on the Canadian border, Tim Horton’s coffee is awesome, but certainly a 20-foot walk probably would have done this cop some good. It’s called exercise. Yes, you too can get off you butt and actually get your blood moving for about 30 seconds in prelude to that cholesterol laden taste treat that you’re about to stuff in your head. According to Taylor the cop was only there for a couple of minutes, he thinks someone told him he’d been caught, but it’s the principle of the thing that has him irked. There’s nothing worse than caught in the act. "He was only parked there for 90 seconds because I think someone told him about us snickering and talking about taking a picture, so he left without even a coffee in hand," he said. "Still, that is 90 seconds of a handicapped person's life that is already hard enough. It's the principle." Only time will tell if the police department will actually do something with this lazy cop, especially now that it’s made the news with a picture and they are publicly embarrassed. Taylor calls himself one of the unofficial “accessibility police.” He lurks about just waiting for those moments of “I’ll just be a minute.” Yes in this day and age of cellphones with cameras, compact video recorders and the like, you’d better watch yourself. Those handicapped spots are under surveillance. The Accessibility Police will get you. Even if you are the police. Beware the temptation of the handicapped spot.

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/24/5658436-sun.html

FIDO GETS XEROXED

A northern California biotech company has announced that it will hold five online auctions to have your dog cloned. Yes now you can get copies of your favorite fido. The only thing is that the minimum bid is $100,000. Well, that’s a bit steep to pay for a dog, even if it is genetically engineered. The place is BioArts International located in Mill Valley, CA. It is the brainchild of Lou Hawthorne, and the research is led by Hwang Woo Suk a South Korean scientist who suffered international disgrace for having faked his research. OK, let me get this straight, you want me to pay over 100 grand to clone my dog with a guy who’s a known fraud. They must be operating from the theory that there’s a sucker born every minute. People are up in arms about this because they think this is the first step to human cloning. I think this is the least of their worries. Hawthorne used to run a company called Genetic Savings and Clone, but it folded when they tried to get people to clone their cats for $50,000. They had few takers and went bankrupt. Now he’s back and has set his sights on dogs. "The average dog owner has a different relationship with his dog than the average cat owner," Hawthorne said. "The level of intensity on the dog side just dwarfed what we saw on the cat side." In other words, he thinks they’re easier to fleece. I haven’t found out yet where the online auctions are to be held, but I’m hoping Ebay will refuse this one. The guy just doesn’t have good feedback. Of course there always those out there that have too much money and no sense. It’s not the research I object, though god knows we have enough normal pets in the world that people don’t want already, but it’s the man’s reputation. I think maybe hwang ought to consider horticulture. BioArts said in a statement it has been granted the sole license for cloning dogs, cats and endangered species using patented processes developed for the cloning of Dolly the sheep, the first successfully cloned animal. Ok someone isn’t paying attention to the background here. We have a previously failed company and a fly-by night scientist. This thing screams plot for a bad “B” sci-fi movie, Attack of the Clone Dogs. Well, at least something is still being made in America. Step right up, get your preordered dog, use our handy drive-thru window. Would you like a happy meal with that?
http://news.aol.com/story/_a/company-will-clone-dogs-for-top-bidders/20080522093409990002?icid=100214839x1202690249x1200106843

STONER FAILS TO SEE COP WHEN BARTERING WITH POT

First rule, when you go into the party store to pay for your munchies, make sure you have enough money. Second rule, if you don’t, put something back. Third rule, look around at your surroundings. Fourth rule, and this is the big one, don’t try to pay with pot when a cop is standing behind you in line. Take Wade Churchward of Wellington, New Zealand for instance, actually, don’t the guy’s too loaded, you wouldn’t want him. He had apparently been drinking, getting stoned and had an attack of the screaming munchies. Personally I would have gone to find an all-you-can-eat buffet here, but to each his own. He pulls into a local party store to cure his all consuming problem. His mind is focused on one objective, food, food. He picks up two packages of M&Ms and some potato chips. This is a very sensible stoner diet. So far so good. When he goes to the cashier to pay for it, he realizes he doesn’t have enough money to pay for it. Red, Flag, Red Flag. Time to resort to the barter system. He reaches into his pocket and finds something he thinks he can trade. So far, not so good. Here we get to Churchward’s prime error. He had apparently failed to notice the police vehicle parked outside the building and the police officer that had taken his place in line right behind him. Ooops. Actually, big ooops. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small sack of marijuana and the pipe to smoke it in and asks if the store clerk is willing to trade. The police officer behind him slaps on the cuffs. No kidding, what a surprise. That’s enough to turn any day into a fast bummer. He pleaded guilty in District Court to possessing marijuana. Yes, that one is going to be a little hard to argue. Even Perry Mason isn’t getting him out of this one. Churchward was released on bail and will be sentenced on July 3. I wonder if they allowed him to barter that. “Dudes, I’ve got a kilo I’ll trade for bail.” Marijuana possession is usually punished by a minor fine in New Zealand. So, next time you go to the store, stupid stoned, check to make sure you have enough money AND LOOK FOR THE COP BEHIND YOU IN LINE! Today’s lesson has been brought to you by Wade Churchward, winner of the coveted “Can’t handle your high” award. Congratulations, your certificate will be arriving in the mail. (I wonder if he’ll read this and actually check for it?)

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/20/5617976-ap.html

PILOT AND STEWARDESS' NIGHT OF DRUNKEN DEBAUCHERY GOES BAD

We’ve all heard about the pilot and stewardess tales, flitting from one destination to the other having affairs on their layovers and in general partying in all of those wonderful exotic locations. This story shatters that dreamy idyllic illusion. Yes there are a million stories with the naked pilots, this is one of them. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, so much for the exotic location, Jeffery Paul Bradford and Adrianna Grace Connor, gotta love the names though, both employees of Pinnacle Airlines were having dinner at a diner. It had been a long night of drinking and partying. Their evening was not over. Pheromones were thick, as was the overwhelming urge of alcohol so they decided to take a walk in the woods. Somehow, it’s not really clear when, either during or after satisfying their carnal urges to two became separated from each other and their clothes. Oh horror, naked white people are running loose in the Pennsylvania woods. Yes, they were lost. People in the neighborhood summoned police at about 9:30 pm saying they had seen a naked man and an intoxicated woman wandering about. That’s when they called in the helicopter with the heat seeking equipment, the search was on. Bradford was discovered hiding behind a shed shortly before midnight. Connor was picked up after she had stolen someone’s car. “We just wanted to do it in the woods.” Was all they had to say for themselves. They did it alright. Bradford is being charged with indecent exposure, public drunkenness, and other unspecified charges. Connor is charged with theft of a motor vehicle, public drunkenness, and other minor offences including the theft of a flashlight from a neighbor’s car. Yes, our story ends with one bit of advice, if your’e going into the woods, take a compass stupid. Or better yet get a room. It’ll keep the dirt out of your butt. And your name off the internet.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080520/ap_on_fe_st/odd_naked_pilot

GHOST CAUSES CAR CRASHES - WHO YA GONNA CALL?

You’re driving along a country road at night and you see a little girl in the middle of the road. You swerve, and next thing you know you’re in the ditch. You get out to make sure the little girl is alright and she’s gone, just like she wasn’t there. Well that’s supposedly what’s happening on a stretch of road near Birmingham, England. People have reported seeing a girl, around five years of age and clothed in Victorian dress on the road. It has been blamed for several crashes and near misses over the years. So who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! Well, England’s version of it anyway, called Parasearch. It just doesn’t have the same ring to it does it? A West Midlands Police spokesman said the most recent incidents included a crash involving a motorbike and a car in November while last July a woman was taken to hospital after a collision on the same stretch. David Taylor, chairman of Parasearch has said he hasn’t found a rational explanation for the sightings so far. I bet not. Finding it would only mean the job was over and the paychecks wouldn’t come in any more. I suggest checking to see how close the local pub is. The tale of the five-year old girls seems to be repeated and now that the news has gotten out, I expect that she will be blamed for most of them. “But officer, I wasn’t drinking, it was a strange little girl in the middle of the road. The twelve Guiness’ had nothing to do with it.” Of course this could all be an optical illusion of some sorts, like marsh gas, or pink elephants. Taylor says that “The area around there is an accident blackspot and there have been some serious incidents, so maybe they had all seen the same thing.” He has been investigating paranormal claims for over 22 years. We don’t know if he’s actually been successful at it. Of course all of these sightings have happened in the dead of night, after the pubs have closed. I think there may be a correlation here. Wow, I’ve explained it. Maybe I should start my own Ghostbusters. Haunted house? How much liquor, ya got? Explained it. I’ll cash their check in the morning.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=148231&in_page_id=34

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE TASERED

In Boulder, Colorado, two men stood looking at each other, staring into one another’s eyes, waiting for the other to draw. Cue music from old Clint Eastwood, spaghetti western. Our story begins with a dispute. They always do. Harvey Epstein, a restaurant owner and Casey Dane, a supervisor for Security Services Inc. got into an argument over a metal boot that had been placed on one of the restaurant employee’s van. Showdown! Dane told police he was afraid Epstein was going to hit him with a 60 centimetre-long pair of bolt cutters. Epstein told police he had only tried to remove the boot with the bolt cutters and hadn't threatened anyone with them. Epstein told police Dane put his hand on a holstered pistol and threatened to shoot him. Dane told The Associated Press by telephone that he did put his hand on the holstered pistol but never threatened to shoot Epstein. Have we sorted this all out yet? No, the best is yet to come. The two had a standoff. They stared into each other’s eyes. Then they drew… tasers. Both hit their mark. Both twitched uncontrollably. Both went down. “They shot each other,” said Police Sgt. Pat Wyton. “It was just kind of a bonehead deal.” Neither men needed medical attention. The security guard says that the van was parked in an area he was to patrol. The employees says it wasn’t. So the argument rages on. Could we get a sequel? A Fistful of Tasers? For a Few Tasers More? Maybe we could talk Clint into doing a guest tasering. Hmmm, this has possibilities.
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/18/5606121-ap.html

GAMER BOY HIRES HOOKERS FOR HALO

Sex in the city? No babes around the Xbox. A 13 year old boy, Ralph Hardy from Newark, Texas, ordered an extra copy of his dad’s credit card. Bad boy. He then proceeded to take his friends on a $30,000 spending spree. Really bad boy. He then decided to hire a couple of hookers and take them back to a motel. Young teenagers with hormones raging you ask? No they hired them to play Xbox and Halo with them. The prostitutes later told police that they became suspicious that these boys might be under age at this point. Really. How old could they have looked at 13. Could the lack of facial hair tipped them off? The boys were obviously tired of playing with themselves and needed some new action. But did the ladies raise the alarm? No, it was the delivery man that brought them Dr. Pepper and Oreos. Why go and get it when you can have it delivered? They confided in the delivery guy that they had gotten their windfall of money at a World of Warcraft tournament. He then called the police after the boys asked for advice on hiring more women. Apparently the ones they found weren’t that great at Halo. When the police arrived, they found $3,000 in cash, an Xbox, and two hookers. The fun part of this is, other than the credit card issue, none of this is illegal. Ralph told police that his lawyer father wouldn’t mind the whole thing because he had forgotten his birthday the week before. Apparently Ralph was wrong because he has been convicted of fraud and is doing three years, community service. Bad boy. As for Ralph’s friends, they apparently let him take the rap. Halo, hookers and Oreos, those wild and crazy gamers, what will they come up with next? I know, Guitar Hero, Groupies, and Root Beer. There’s nothing like living on the edge.



http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=148080&in_page_id=2

A.R. BROOMER LIMITED, YOUR SOURCE FOR BARGAIN GOD

Amanda Broomer sells the skulls of martyrs, the teeth of saints, and splinters from the cross of Jesus. In Manhattan’s Upper East Side, in New York, A. R. Broomer Limited deals in religious antiques. Other items include things like pieces of the body of Saint Therese made into a paste, clothing worn by Saint Anthony, or, one of my favorites, a touched nail, which means it’s a nail that touched a nail from the crucifixion. Of course people pay big bucks for this stuff and Broomer has a thriving business selling these items exclusively. Why am I picturing P.T. Barnum here. "I just got in three bone fragments of St. Francis of Assisi," she says. "He will go very quickly." I bet he will. The selling of religious objects is nothing new and it is quite prevalent in Europe where there are more of these to be found. People buy them in an effort to reconnect with the church and god. Why not just go to church. It might save you a few thousand dollars. I guess some people just aren’t satisfied with a bobble-head Virgin Mary. Vendors have a system in which relics are classified into grades. First class pertains to body parts of saints--a fingernail of the Apostle Paul, say, or a strand of the Virgin Mary's hair. Items (supposedly) touched by Jesus often are first class. The second class encompasses the relics of lesser figures--Mother Teresa's tennis shoes. The third class has items that have touched something first class like the "touched" nail. Am I the only one that thinks this is a really morbid scam? Broomer says she really likes the reliquaries, the ornate boxes that the items come in. She is also Jewish and doesn’t believe in holy objects. I can see where that would make it easier to deal in these things. She does say that she believes in the experiences her customers have concerning these objects. Number one rule of sales, relate to the customer. Broomer confides that her typical customer is male, single, middle-class and gay. Well, thanks to Broomer Limited salvation is just down the street so pick up your piece of Christ today. Decannonized saints are on markdown. Check out our line of holy grails.


http://www.forbes.com/lifestyle/forbes/2008/0519/140.html?partner=aol

DARTH VADER ATTACKS JEDI CHURCH IN UK

George Lucas may have started more than he bargained for. Did you know there is an actual church of the Jedi? Yes, in Britain, in Holyhead, Wales is a church that espouses the teachings behind the “force” in the Star Wars movies. I wonder if they talk like Yoda during services? “The force, you must worship. With you, it is.” Church founder, Barney Jones also known as Master Jonba Hehol, I can see why he changed his name, Jedi Master Barney just doesn’t do it, was attacked in his church. 27 year old Arwel Wynne Hughes, dressed up as Darth Vader and attacked the Jedi Master. Apparently light sabers were not involved. Alcohol was. Arwel admits to having drunk the better part of 2 and ½ gallons of wine. He dressed as Darth Vader, came into the church and shouted “Darth Vader! Jedis!” and beaned Barney with a metal crutch. He should have been shouting “I am your Father.” I’m not sure if that is new training for the Sith or where the crutch came from. He also smacked Jones’ cousin, Michael Jones – Master Mormi Hehol bruising his thigh. Arwel had drunk enough he doesn’t actually remember the attack but the whole thing was caught on video as the two cousins were about to record themselves having a light saber duel. I don’t know why they didn’t defend themselves. The church has about 30 members and claims “insight and knowledge as a guide to living a more worthwhile life.” "We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously." It appears he may be correct because in a 2001 census, 390,000 Brits put down Jedi as their religion. 20,000 in Canada. Arwel Hughes was fined for the attack and then released, yes, Darth Vader still roams the Welsh countryside. Probably planning his next attack on the Jedi temple. The British “Empire” obviously working with Vader in his plans to do them in with crutches. What was that? Palpatine for Parlaiment? Darth Maul seen in a Scottish pub. Trouble, there is. Trust in the force Hehol, trust in the force.

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/13/5550661-ap.html

CRYSTAL SKULL STOLEN FROM NEW AGE SHOP IN CALIFORNIA

Ok, I have the Indiana Jones theme running through my head already. A large crystal skull, named Solar Ray, yes they actually named it, was ripped off from a new age shop in Claremont, California. It was openly on display with absolutely no security measures in place. I think California has got be officially the flakiest place on earth. “We have zero shoplifting in here, and I have no idea why anyone would take something as lovely as that,” said Persis Newland, owner of Kindred Spirits. You don’t? Let’s see, does having something really cool for nothing ring a bell. Did his mother really name him Persis? The skull had been on loan and was residing on an altar in the store’s classroom area. “He was on an altar, and he just enjoyed being here,” said employee Kristen Nestor, who supervises the store’s weekly crystal-reading classes. “He participated in our classes.” So far, near as I can tell, he was the smartest one there. I want to know how he actually participated. Did he raise his crystal eyebrow when he wanted to ask a question? The skull was authentic and was believed to be 500 years old and is similar to the one that is in the new upcoming Indiana Jones movie. There is a legend that the Maya possessed 13 of the crystal skulls and when united they would save the earth. It’s the basis of the new Indy movie. Newland believes that the focus on the film may have prompted the theft. It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes or Indiana Jones to put that one together. It’s also believed that the skulls can heal and influence natural events. Well, if they influence natural events, they must really be angry lately. Maybe the class they should have been holding for the skull was anger management. “He likes to travel and things like that,” Nestor said. What, does he pack up his little crystal bag and book a flight? Can crystal skulls get visas? “He was here for about four months, just enjoying everyone who comes through here.” Well, it seems that someone enjoyed him a little too much. If it was Mayan, maybe its green card ran out. Instead of stolen he may have been deported. I bet the skull wasn’t getting paid and this was a new age sweat shop. Has anyone called the INS?

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/12/5543991-ap.html

THE GEORGE BUSH SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT

A group in San Francisco called the Presidential Memorial commission wants to rename one of the City Sewage Treatment plants the George W Bush Sewage Plant. Considering Bush’s environmental policies, there may be some irony in this. Ordained Minister and activist John Rinaldi, who ran for mayor last year under the name of Chicken John, is one of the sponsors of the petition. I guess the religious right isn’t as impressed with Bush as he thought they were. Rinaldi says it would turn every toilet in San Francisco into a shrine to GW and all of his achievements in his eight years as our Commander-in-Chief. A leader of the local Republican Party, Leo Lacayo says it’s insulting. Howard Epstein, Chairman of the City’s Republican Party says, “it’s just another crazy idea from the weirdo transients that call San Francisco home.” Actually I didn’t know there were Republicans in San Francisco. Organizers have so far collected about 1,100 of the needed 10,000 signatures to get it on the ballot. Republicans say that if it makes it, it has a good chance of passing. Sort of like gas. They call it a waste of time and money. The Republicans should know about that. "This is the best memorial that San Francisco is going to give to George Bush, and he should appreciate it for its face value, for exactly what it is. It's actually the least we can do." Says Rinaldi. The White house says they won’t dignify this with a comment. It doesn’t surprise me that this is one they want kept hush - hush. I expect Rinaldi has his very own Cia agent by now.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354706,00.html

DESMOND TUTU HUCKS FREE MUSIC DOWNLOADS

South African Nobel Peace Prize winner Desmond Tutu has signed on to promote a new free legal music download site. Ok, I’m having a hard time picturing the octogenarian Archbishop boogieing to his I-pod in his spare time. I’m having an even harder time picturing him actively promoting a website. Let’s see how this pans out. The website is called welovefreemusic.com. It is a product of S.O.S. Records, Speed of Sound, and intends to offer free MP3 downloads. The idea is to get musicians to put their music up for free, get their music rated by users and then maybe get discovered. Doesn’t Myspace and 27 million other sites already do this? Maybe they think by having the Archbishop onboard a little divine intervention will help their success. Desmond Tutu claims he is a fan of free downloadable music and met the CEO of S.O.S. Records, Steve Nowack, during a chance meeting. More divine intervention? I just can’t picture the Archbishop’s face in an ad in Rolling Stone saying “Yo, check out this bustin’ new site for your jams.” In a statement Tutu says, “I am participating because we all belong to the human family and each human being has been touched by music. Until now there are people who may not have been able to access music because of the barrier of finance. Steve’s project is now going to break down that barrier.” Apparently Tutu hasn’t got online much. I find free downloads everywhere, legal ones. The people who haven’t been able to access music don’t have a computer at all or online capabilities. All I have to say is that I hope he didn’t put any of his personal funds into this. Nowack must have been some smooth talker. Tutu’s celebrity power may get the site some attention, but bringing free music to the world, that’s already been done. I think maybe the initials S.O.S. may be prophetic as to the fate of this one.
http://technologyexpert.blogspot.com/2008/05/archbishop-desmond-tutu-loves-free.html

TEACHER FIRED FOR WIZARDRY

TEACHER FIRED FOR WIZARDRY

Somewhere along the way it seems the memo got lost that since Harry Potter, being a wizard is cool. At a school in Florida, a substitute teacher, Jim Piculas performed a magic trick. He made a toothpick disappear and then reappear. You know the kind of trick a clown does at a birthday party or any amateur magician does for a drink at the bar. Simple right? Apparently not, because the next day he got a phone call from the head supervisor for substitute teachers. He was told "Jim, we have a huge issue. You can't take any more assignments. You need to come in right away." When he asked about it, he says he was told, "You've been accused of wizardry." Big Issue? Shades of the Ministry of Magic. Now I’ve seen Harry Potter. A toothpick appearing and disappearing does not qualify as wizardry. It barely qualifies as a trick. Though, this does explain the rule against performing magic in front of muggles. This guy is certainly no Voldemort. It’s not like he made one of the kids disappear and then couldn’t bring them back again. Piculas’ job is now doing a disappearing act and he fears that this may stick with him and affect his ability to find employment elsewhere. Well, let’s look at the want ads. Wizards, Wizards. Hmmm. There doesn’t appear to be much. I wonder if Hogwarts is hiring? Dumbeldor’s army is looking for recruits.
http://snafu-ed.blogspot.com/2008/05/school-teacher-fired-over-wizardry.html

POLICE OFFICER SHOOTS HIMSELF IN ANKLE DURING DEMO

In Mayberry, Barney Fife was never allowed to put his one bullet into his gun. Police Chief David Hansen should have had the same rule. Actually I don’t think this guy should be allowed near a loaded gun. During a class in Riverside, Utah, which would enable participants to get their concealed weapons permits, Hansen decided to load his Glock 40. Students say they were nervous when he did it and saw no reason for the action. "We were told the gun is the chief's personal sidearm, but it looked to me like he didn't know anything about the gun," Lewis Walker said, one of the students. It appears his observation may have been correct. He put the gun under a table to disassemble it while it was still loaded and it went off shooting Hansen in the ankle. This proves once again that stupid people, carelessness and loaded weapons just don’t mix. Yes, let’s let Zippy the Pinhead have a gun. The students were lucky he only shot himself. An officer at the scene joked that "instead of shooting himself, he should have used the Taser." I can see where that might have been entertaining. The local police spin on this is that the chief is a hero and that the students are disgruntled. Disgruntled, they’re lucky they weren’t killed. Yes let’s pin medals on morons. It appears they need to rethink who teaches this class, like maybe someone…qualified? They could have learned more from a street hood. This certainly follows the saying, “It’s not the machinery, it’s the operator. If residents are smart, they’ll be applying for their weapons permits in the next town over. Maybe they should downgrade their class demos to a Supersoaker.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080507/ap_on_fe_st/police_chief_shot

CAN I GET A BEER TO GO?

Bill Bramanti of Illinois is planning on taking one with him. That’s when he dies. Bramanti is a true beer drinker. And has had his coffin made in the image of a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer can to prove it. This proves you can get absolutely anything these days. Yes, in a thousand years, if archaeologists dig up Bill, they’re going to know what kind of man he was, a beer man. Currently, there’s nothing wrong with Bramanti and he has no intentions of passing on into the great beyond anytime soon. In the meantime, he’s thrown a party and he fills the coffin with ice and beer, Pabst of course. This guy is going to be a riot at tailgate parties. Pull up, flip open your coffin and and start drinking all the soon to be dead soldiers inside. I bet that coffin holds a lot of beer. I wonder, since he’s currently using it as a cooler, is there a spout to drain the water for the ice. This could be a whole new sideline for Coleman. The multipurpose Mega Cooler! A cooler now, a coffin later. He figures, why put such a great piece on the shelf when it can fulfill such a practical purpose while he’s still alive. Bramanti says the coffin is a great fit and yes he has tried it out. It presents some interesting possibilities. Does it come with a pop top? If left unrefrigerated does it get skunky? I supposes shaking it up is a bad idea. If five of his buddies do the same thing can they get buried as a 6-pack? When you buy one, does it come with a complimentary can cozy? When he does pass, I think they should bury him with a 12 to go.

http://news.aol.com/story/_a/hes-got-pabst-blue-ribbon-as-his-shrine/20080505092009990001

SPACE ALIENS IN DENVER

Jeff Peckman of Denver Colorado wants the city to be prepared for the arrival of Space Aliens. He is proposing a commission to deal with the matter and wants it on the city’s agenda. Next week there will be a review and comment meeting concerning Peckman’s proposal. I know what my comments would be. “When did they take you off your medication?” “Don’t we have enough alien problems without bringing the interstellar kind in as well?” Peckman wants to form an 18 member commission that would create strategies on dealing with issues relating to extraterrestrials here on earth. First, I didn’t know space aliens had issues. Second, aren’t the “Men in Black” supposed to be dealing with this problem? Does Denver have in inordinate amount of extraterrestrials roaming the streets, sleeping in alleys, landing in backyards, trying to date their children? It might explain the performance of the Broncos the last couple of years. I think the thin air in the “Mile High” city is getting to them. They say you can adapt but maybe extended living with a lack of oxygen is taking its toll. Peckman needs to collect the signature of 4,000 Denver residents that agree with him to get his proposal on the ballot in November. Good luck with that. We have a lot of alien problems in this country but coming from space isn’t one of them yet. Hey, I don’t say it’s impossible but since they haven’t revealed themselves why make it an issue. We have enough people on welfare. We don’t need extraterrestrials too. I say, send them back where they came from. Make them get jobs like everyone else. If they get jobs that means they’ll be in China anyway and it isn’t Denver’s problem.

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/03/5463391-ap.html

CIVIL SERVANT REGISTERS 780,000 HITS ON PORN SITES

A Japanese civil servant has been demoted for visiting porn sites during work. In a nine month period his computer registered over 780,000 hits! Let’s see that’s nearly 3000 a day, Apparently this is Japan’s tax dollars at work. Godzilla and baseball just didn’t satisfy this guy. The man, whose name is being withheld, worked, well obviously there wasn’t much working going on, for the Kinokawa city government. He’s been demoted, hopefully to a job that doesn’t have an internet hookup. I would wonder what he was thinking, but it is obvious that there was only one thing on his mind. Get a date, go to a bar, buy a blow-up doll. According to his computer log, he registered 170,000 hits in July alone. That must have been one hot summer. He had to be porn’s single best customer. Didn’t this guy have any actual work to do? Nobody had a clue this was going on. Was his job so unimportant that no one ever checked up on him. His porn addiction was only discovered after his computer caught a virus and officials actually viewed his computer log. I wonder how many of those sites the techs bookmarked. This is probably the only time a computer virus did some good. Hopefully the offender is headed for counseling. Truthfully, I think he should have blogged his “Best Sites” and he probably would have been a hit. Then he could have dated porn stars and fulfilled his every fantasy. Before long the book deals would have been rolling in. It would give a new meaning to “Hawt Posts.” You would have been cool instead of just weird. People just don’t think these things out. Wait a minute, maybe I….


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080502/ap_on_fe_st/japan_internet_porn

THE DUCT TAPE BANDIT ADMITS GUILT

I guess I wouldn’t have wanted to admit to this either. Kasey Kazee had wrapped his head with duct tape in a vain effort to not be recognized when he robbed an Ashland, Kentucky liquor store. Apparently he didn’t think about how it would feel when he tried to take it back off. A photo of him shows exactly how stupid this guy is and looks. You can see it by clicking on the link below. Kazee is a Darwin Award looking for a place to happen. There was absolutely no thought processes going on here whatsoever. He went in to rob the clerk with a knife. As he was leaving, he was tackled by another employee of the store and then several patrons of a nearby store ran over and helped subdue him. When the police arrived, they asked the store clerk how much he had stolen, she said she didn’t know, but counting the till revealed that it was $15 short. Dude, you were almost rich. Let’s see, Duct Tape $5.95, first aid for beating you took in the parking lot, $25, court costs $600, being forever known as the Duct Tape Bandit, priceless. Well, it is Kentucky. When he was at the police station, he denied that it was him. His head was wrapped in duct tape and they picked him up at the scene of the crime. What about this says “I didn’t do it?” I must credit the manufacturers of duct tape. Though he was the worse for wear when the patrons subdued him, the duct tape held up excellently. I think they should come up with an ad campaign. “Duct Tape, we never dreamed there were this many uses.” “Duct Tape the choice of stupid bandits everywhere.” “Duct Tape, It’ll keep your head from falling apart.” ‘Duct Tape, don’t plan your holdup without it.” Fortunately Kazee will be going away for awhile, locked somewhere where he won’t have to use that overtaxed brain of his. Please, God don’t have let him reproduce, though I fear it may already be too late.

See the Duct Tape Bandit, click here:http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=145432&in_page_id=2

SOCCER PLAYER'S CREATIVE REHAB UNCOVERS DIFFERENT KIND OF BALLS.

A good consumer rule is to check the merchandise before you buy it. Brazilian Soccer star for the Milan Strikers and two time world cup winner Ronaldo should have paid attention to that rule when he brought a couple of prostitutes back to his room. Yes there was more than one so Ronaldo had quite a night planned for himself. He was in Brazil to rehab his injured knee and it appears his recovery is going quite well. That was the only thing about this night that would go well. These weren’t girls from Ipanema. They were transvestites. Oh Horror! Oh Rocky! Yes , Ronaldo had entered the Tranny zone. Once the package was unwrapped, the merchandise wasn’t what he had bargained for. These weren’t soccer balls staring at him. He may have wished they were. Ronaldo, realizing his error tried to get them to leave his motel room by paying them the equivalent of $600 U.S. Instead, one of them wanted several thousand and threatened to go to the media with all of the sordid details. Ah, the plot thickens. The game is afoot. Ronaldo was apparently unimpressed by the threats and there are rumors that an altercation may have insued, though no one has yet made any formal claims. One of the she-males ripped the phone out of the wall so that the police couldn’t be called, but apparently all of the prostitutes weren’t in on the blackmail attempt, only one. No goals scored here. I wonder who gets the game ball? They voluntarily went to the police and related this tale of woe and mistaken gender. Ronaldo, has gone into hiding and is not commenting. I’d hide too after that bit of embarrassment. Keeping his mouth shut can only help. He’s canceled media appearances and is working on his physiotherapy at home. That’s where he should have worked on it in the first place. There are no charges currently pending as prostitution is legal in Brazil, but one may be filed for extortion on the blackmailing prostitute. Maybe he can sue for consumer fraud. How about false advertising? Misleading packaging? So the moral of the story is, wait a minute, this story is devoid of morals, never mind.

http://sports.aol.com/soccer/story/_a/star-caught-in-incident-with/20080428223109990001?icid=100214839x1200960760x1200036714

"GIRLS GONE WILD" SUED BY A HOOKER?

Like everyone, I’ve happened upon the cheesy infomercials in the middle of the night. The “Girls Gone Wild” series is a staple of the redeye hours of nothing on the TV and of course, displays college girls reveling in drunken debauchery and topless jiggling. I find that it perks up a long night. Ashley Dupre, the call girl that brought New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer to disgrace is currently attempting to sue Joe Francis, creator of the soft-porn mega success for using footage of her in his videos. Am I missing something here? Just because she made the media by ruining a politicians career, she’s suddenly respectable? Too good for “Girls GoneWild?” She’s filed suit against Francis for $10 million. I’m sure real porn stars don’t make that kind of money in a lifetime, let alone a hooker who just flashed her boobs. She was probably using the footage for part of her resume. "She's seeking $10 million for topless photos taken in front of a room full of people, including two newspapers and multiple crews we had in the room," says Francis. "These images were taken in public places and contain no sexual contact.” Dupre claims that Francis has used her image and name to promote the videos with her in it. You think? I know I would have. Apparently her 15 minutes of fame wasn’t enough, so now she hopes to extend it by keeping herself in the media. She probably lost a lot of clientele when she rolled over on the politician. 10 Million, that’s one heck of a trick. Who’s the one getting screwed now. Bend over, I’ll drive. There’s probably a book deal in the offing as well. There always is. Well, once a prostitute always a prostitute. That could be the title of her book. Well, since this will be going to court, we know who will get the money, the real prostitutes, lawyers. I wonder if “Girls Gone Wild will be coming out in Hi-Def soon?

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20195892,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

SAN FRANCISCO PRAYER VIGIL HELD FOR GAS PRICES

Yes there is no doubt that gas prices are out of hand and have been for quite a long time. So high in fact that a Washington D.C. area resident has come to California to hold “pray-ins” at local service stations. Why he chose California is unknown other than the fact that it is the only place he won’t seem crazy. Well, you were wrong, we still think you’re nuts. Maybe God told him to go there. “Go my son and pray before the pump of Chevron. I shall be waiting. You shall receive a sign. It shall say unto you $4.05 a gallon.” Rocky Twyman, a community organizer, church choir director and public relations consultant from the Washington, D.C. suburbs, is the organizer of the religious protests. "God is the only one we can turn to at this point," said Twyman. "Our leaders don't seem to be able to do anything about it. The prices keep soaring and soaring. God, deliver us from these high gas prices,” So of course he leaves the only place that can do anything about it, Washington D.C. and goes to San Francisco, the loony bin of the U.S. He should fit right in. His previous campaign was to get Oprah Winfrey nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. God wasn’t listening to that one either. I wonder if anybody has checked his medication? Certainly something has to be done about gas prices, but I don’t think group prayer at Chevron stations is going to do it. All that’s going to accomplish is getting frustrated patrons yelling, “Get your damn ass out of the way,” while they’re trying to pull in and fill up. God helps people who help themselves. Instead of asking for divine intervention, it seems like a political movement or boycotts would make a bit more sense. Most of us have been quietly praying that gas doesn’t hit $5.00 a gallon as it is. Hasn’t worked has it? It won’t be long and we’ll be seeing guys with trench coats on the corners speaking in a raspy voice, “Wanna buy some gas?” Why am I having flashbacks of Mad Max? Maybe if Twyman looks close enough he’ll discover Jesus’ face in a gas spill.

http://snafu-ed.blogspot.com/2008/04/gas-prices-too-high-it.html

MICHAEL JACKSON SWEARS OFF WOMEN?

That headline graced the top of an article I just couldn’t resist. You’ll find the link to it below. I didn’t know Michael had anything to do with women. Even Lisa Marie Presley admits that their relationship had little relationship to a relationship. I thought it was all small children and prepubescent boys along with the occasional chimp. The article says he let his nanny go whom he was apparently having a “relationship” with and has sworn off women for the time being. This comes as he moves ahead to record his first album of new music in god knows how long. What’s it going to be called “Broke?” Personally, I think the airwaves were just fine without him. It probably won’t be long and we will see the “nanny” smeared all over the tabloids after she made a beeline to her lawyer’s office in an effort to join the long list of multitudes that has already sued him. That’s probably why he’s recording the album. The legal fees, light bills, taxes, that endless barrage of costs that his weird personal life has brought him, should have sent him to the poor house by now. In an effort to focus on the music, he has reportedly banned his children from the recording studio. This has got to be this first time he has banned children from anywhere. I suppose though, if you’re constantly fantasizing about them, you can‘t concentrate. In a recent attempt to restore his credibility and appear somewhere other than a tabloid, he granted an interview with Ebony magazine, for which they put him on the cover. Ebony? Sorry, this man? There’s definately more ivory going on here than Ebony. Michael is so white he makes Barack Obama look black. The cover, which appeared in the December 2007 issue, has Michael in a white suit with a white background in a vain effort to show some contrast. All it does is prove how white he really is. It’s also been rumored that up and coming star Akon will appear on the album along with Michael. You know the rap star that had to forge a criminal career so he would fit in. Maybe he thinks hanging out with Michael will sully up his image a bit and make him appear “Bad.” Though I have to admit, Michael isn’t one who has the “Gangsta” image and hanging out with a weirdo like Mike probably isn’t going to help his resume. Personally, I think, instead of swearing off women, Michael should swear off his career, take few hints from Howard Hughes and lock himself away and cuddle up with the Elephant Man.

http://www.theboombox.com/2008/04/25/michael-jackson-swears-off-women/?icid=100214839x1200764619x1200027890

ADOLF HITLER MEETS CAPTAIN AMERICA AND GI JOE

A toy company in the Ukraine has come up with an interesting new idea, the Adolf Hitler doll. This 12” movable figure will be quite detailed and come with a variety of accessories. It will have several changes of clothes, you can have either the imposing Third Reich black with the swastika band on the arm or the “classic” brown-shirt early days of Adolf’s rise to power. Heck it’s even supposed to have his dog Blondi, the German Shepard available. Of course the Ukrainian company is causing a lot of controversy with their new product, but like most things it’s all in how you perceive it. You see, I collect action figures and my Captain America action figure could really use Adolf. These Marvel Action figures have 32 points of articulation, He can really kick Adolf’s butt. He’s tired of just chasing around the Red Skull. (For those of you that don’t know, the Red Skull is a perpetual Nazi WWII nemesis of Cap’s.) Now the Skull has someplace to get his orders from. This week’s episode, Can Captain America save Ken and Barbie from being tossed into the Easy-Bake Oven? I can even team him up with GI Joe. Can they stop Hitler from building his dreaded Atlantic Wall around my bathtub? I can even call in Indiana Jones, we all know he says “Nazis I hate those guys.” Yes, I have one of those too. Picture it, what a team-up. How about this, Hitler is resurrected in the future by the Red Skull. It’s now the 2000’s. What he fails to realize is Nick Fury, formerly, Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos, has all of SHIELD and Marvel’s Avengers working for him. Ben Grimm, the Thing,“It’s Clobberin’ Time” from the Fantastic Four, Ironman, the Hulk, Spiderman, the Human Torch, I have them all. I can even throw in the Silver Surfer for a cosmic power spanking. I’ll have Adolf crying like a baby by the time I’m done. My heroes need a new bad guy. Heck bring ‘em all on, Rommel, Himmler, I’ll even take a Panzer tank. “Hulk Smash.”

http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/section?category=PluckPersona&U=cce7c5f9d55442c7b8aeafa5e07cafe5&plckController=PersonaBlog&plckScript=personaScript&plckElementId=personaDest&plckPersonaPage=BlogViewPost&plckPostId=Blog%3acce7c5f9d55442c7b8aeafa5e07cafe5Post%3a7c4bd04a-c886-4c19-bd7a-877fac11cffb&plckCommentSortOrder=TimeStampAscending&sid=sitelife.app.com

BUDWEISER, BOOZE AND BIBLES - CHURCH MEETS AT THE PUB

How about some cocktails with your sermon? In Sidney, Ohio, the Country Rock Church is now holding services in a local pub. Their website promotes: “Top regional bands, pizza, wings, rowdy fun and a short message.” I’ve never known a sermon to be short, but if I’m drunk I don’t care. The ten commandments say nothing about getting loaded during church services. Now that I recall didn’t Jesus drink wine? Wow, a match made in heaven. Their first Sunday night service brought around 100 attendees. I expect it perked up a slow night for the bar. The first sermon compared life with the bar’s mechanical bull. Yee, haw, Ride ‘em cowboy. I bet that idea came after a couple of shots of tequila. Rev. Chris Heckaman says people really seemed to enjoy themselves. Chris, they were drunk. That’s the idea of getting drunk. Now I’ve always understood there are two taboos in a bar. You never talk about religion or politics. But then again, taboos are made to be broken and apparently the Reverend is a live on the edge kind of guy. I wonder if he tried the bull? Do some of the offerings go to tip the barmaids? Can you get up to go pee in the middle of the sermon? Beer can create awfully urgent situations. Do they rename the food for the evening? Fire and brimstone hot wings. The Good God Super Deluxe Pizza. Does the band work up a couple of hymns for the night or do they just stick with the old standards like Ghost Riders in the Sky and Free Bird. I can see where a little Stairway to Heaven could work. The Reverend says they are going to be meeting there every week. So remember, be kind, tip generously, and the Jello shots are on special. Next week’s sermon – eight ball in the corner pocket!

You have to check this out! Click the link below for the church website:
http://www.sidneyfirst.com/Discover/CountryRockChurch/tabid/140/Default.aspx
To read the news article about this click this link:http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/04/21/5348111-ap.html

PICK UP SOME POT WITH YOUR PIZZA AT THE DRIVE-THRU

At the Port Smith, Arkansas, Pizza Hut, you could get some special herb with that pizza to go. The manager of the Pizza hut was arrested for selling pot from the drive-thru window. I guess this was one innovative business practice that didn’t sit well. I’ll bet the owner of the pizza parlor will miss him, or at least the extra profits he brought in. I can see the beauty in this. Pick up your munchies along with your sack of weed and never leave the car. “I wanna order 10 supreme pizzas and 36 orders of bread sticks.” “Would you like some sodas for that cotton mouth later?” “Oh yea, thanks man you’re a real lifesaver. I’ll take four, 2 liters.” I wonder if they had a special button to ring that up on. Could you get delivery if you tipped the driver a doobie? The local police, working on a tip raided the manager’s office and found six ounces of marijuana and a digital scale, gotta have that portion control. I bet the tipster got shorted on a bag and complained. Maybe somebody goofed up his order and he got a half-ounce instead of a full one. This concept presents so many possibilities. “We’re running a special tonight. We‘ve got brownies.” How about that special herbed crust? I want to know if you could order a handful cooked right into your pizza “Hey everybody I got the best pizza in town. It’s the Pizza Hut cannabis deep dish with extra cheese.” I’m sure business has dropped dramatically now that every stoner’s fantasy has been ruined. “Dude, did you hear? We can’t get our pot and pizzas to go any more.” “I hate that. They get a special you really like and they discontinue it. It sucks man. I’m gonna miss that one.”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080421/ap_on_fe_st/odd_drive_through_dope

PRINCE WILLIAM HAS A SHINY NEW HELICOPTER

Prince William has a shiny new helicopter that he simply cannot quit showing off. Of course the British tabloids are having a field day with this, they seem to have a field day with anything the royal family does. I’m surprised they don’t follow them right into the toilet. The newest outrage is that he landed his helicopter in a field outside of his girlfriend’s house. Now of course most guys, when they get a new ride pull up outside of the favorite babes house just to show it off. It seems that just because he’s a prince, he’s no different than the rest of us. “Hi, sweetheart check out the new ride. It’s even got chrome headers and wheels.” Now understand, this is a military helicopter from the Royal Air Force and the Prince has just graduated as a chopper pilot earlier this month. Thus the flap. Some are saying that it’s frivolous use of military resources. Hey, wake up. He owns it. He’s the Prince. It’s still a monarchy, the chopper belongs to him. Besides, I probably would have done the same thing. This can only make him look hot. It’s not everybody that can buzz by in his own chopper that’s armed to the teeth. “Hey babe, anybody bothers you, you just give me a call. I got it covered.” It gives a whole new meaning to don’t mess with my girl. Now the other incident he’s being criticized for is picking his brother Harry up in the chopper and flying over to a bachelor party. Now there is no way this is not a hit at a bachelor party. I’ve been to them, we would have loved to have a helicopter. Strippers, booze, porno videos and a helicopter with a rocket launcher, how is this not cool. We might even have gotten drunk and fired that puppy off a couple of times. “Oops, was that the neighbor’s new snowmobile.?” “He’s going to miss that.”All William is doing is proving he’s human like the rest of us and would like to have a good time. I think if American politicians would lighten up and do some of this silly stuff from time to time, we’d like them better. I wonder if William can play saxophone like Bill Clinton. I sort of miss that.
http://news.aol.com/story/_a/princes-helicopter-flights-questioned/20080421100209990001?icid=100214839x1200411896x1200016666

BUNGEE JUMPER USES CONDOM CORD!

Ok, this is a sport I have never tried, nor am I going to. Jumping off a bridge and nearly bashing my head into the ground has never been my idea of a good time. I’ll stick with beer and football. But apparently a South African man decided to make a jump with a bungee rope made entirely out of condoms, 18,500 of them. Number one that’s a lot of trips to the drug store. How do you explain that you want to buy over 18,000 condoms. “Do you sell condoms in bulk?” “Lubricated or non? Ribbed for her pleasure or yours?” “The strongest you have, I don’t want them to break.” “How many?” “!9,000. I don’t want to come up short.” “Would you like some Viagra to go with that.” “No I’m bungee jumping.” If he wasn’t the talk of the town before, you can bet he was after that purchase. Carl Dionisio, the brainchild behind this says he spent four months knotting them all together with a friend, who helped. He says the cord was based on a complicated mathematical formula he’d worked out. What about a condom would prompt a person to contemplate math. I suspect alcohol was involved. The formula was probably worked out on a bar napkin. They say they had difficulty tying the rope as the knots kept slipping out. Condoms are meant to slip out, repeatedly. Dionisio says he did it because he wanted to recreate that “virgin buzz” of his first jump. I suspect even more alcohol was involved. His homemade rope apparently did work since I didn’t take this from his obituary. This gives a whole new meaning to hoping your condom doesn’t break. Think of the advertising concepts for condom companies. Think of the secondary market! They’re not just for casual sex anymore. The condom of bungee jumpers everywhere. Could this be a recycling market? Ick, gross, maybe not.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/world/article.html?in_article_id=143942&in_page_id=64

AKON, NO BAD ASS! SORRY, JUST ANOTHER GUY.

The old saying goes, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. For hip-hop star Akon, that just might not be true. In a scandal that is sure to rock the musical world, it has been discovered that Grammy winner Akon alias Aliuane Badara Thiam isn’t really a bad ass. In reality, he may have been an Eagle scout that helped little old ladies cross the street. Akon’s first single record release, “Locked Up” was supposed to have been an autobiographical song about being sent to the slam for drug dealing. He claims to have spent four and a half years in prison for a variety of felonies including running a high profile car theft operation, making him an instant hit with the bad boy “gangsta” crowd. Apparently, background checks have revealed a past so scandalous, that it will rock the music world worse than Milli Vanilli did in the 80’s. Yes it’s all a lie. He swiped a Beemer. Charges were dropped. In reality, he’s a good boy. Oh horror. He’s about as bad ass as Vanilla Ice. Minor brushes with the law have provided enough of a record to show he was on probation once. Yep, that’s it, milk and cookies. He made it all up. While most of the world tries to hide their criminal past with pleas of “I didn’t do it,” Akon felt he needed one to be popular. Next thing he’ll be claiming to have killed Jimmy Hoffa just to keep his career alive. Now that this has come out, he will probably end up in some club somewhere singing old Tony Bennett tunes. Maybe Disney will pick him up for High School Musical 3 or get him to sing a title song for a new animated flop. Motown records isn’t answering questions about this and who can blame them. What are they going to say “Sorry, we thought he was a crook.”

http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/2008/04/18/akon-considered-a-fraud-for-lying-about-criminal-past/?icid=100214839x1200221685x1200007813

KEITH RICHARDS, DAD'S ASHES AND 1001 WOMEN

Keith Richards of Rolling Stones fame, if you don’t know who this is, you’re as dead as Keith looks, has come clean, again, about having snorted his father’s ashes. First he said he did, then he said he didn’t, now he’s back to did. It must be that drug memory thing. Apparently, Keith will put absolutely anything up his nose. I can’t even imagine this, nor would it occur to me to try. Apparently his dad played “got your nose” one too many times with him when he was a kid. This is a quote from Keith: “'I opened my dad's ashes and some of them blew out over the table, just because of the suction of the lid, you know what I mean? I looked at my dad's ashes down there and – what am I gonna do? Do I desecrate them with a dustbin and broom? So I wet me finger and I shoved a little bit of Dad up me hooter. The rest of them I put round an oak tree, which is coming up a treat. And I'm sure he's still blessing me.” The fact that he has no brain functions left is clearly demonstrated here. I have a suggestion, Keith, put them back in the urn. Mixing the ashes with snot is not a memorial, it’s just gross. Next thing you know their next album will feature a tune called “Snort me up.” Actually I’ve always felt that Keith’s brain stopped functioning and flat-lined some time ago. His body is so pickled from alcohol and drugs that it continues to function without the need of firing synapses. Sort of like the dinosaur that doesn’t realize it’s dead yet. They can save the formaldehyde at this funeral. Keith has claimed for years that heroin is the cure for the common cold, because he’s never had a cold. I say it’s because nothing could possibly live in that bloodstream. Of course many things about Keith’s life are questionable. Bill Wyman, bass player for the Stones says that Keith has slept with over 1000 women. Keith says he was never in it for the body count and has no idea how many have crossed his mattress. Has anybody looked at this guy. I suspect the only reason he got any was because he’s a rock star and Mick was busy. The reason he doesn’t know is he has the memory of a tuna. It’s a miracle he knows his name. It’s a miracle he’s alive. Is Keith Richards the source of miracles on earth? Oh my, I’ve found a cornflake in his image.

To check out the article about Keith, go here:
http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=143486&in_page_id=7

NAKED VIDEO BLOG - THE NEW CRAZE?

It seems, the new craze on internet megasite YouTube, is to do naked blogs. YouTube is encouraging this by giving them a featured spot on their front page, as long as it doesn’t interfere with their obsenity policies. In other words, don’t actually show anything vital. Now being a blogger, I don’t do the video and if this craze takes hold, I won’t be, you should all thank me, I really don’t think this is a good idea. Now the people doing these videos are common everyday internet geeks with no lives that probably can’t get a date on a bet. This won’t help. I looked. I had to do the research for my blog. I wish I wouldn’t have. It took me two hours to refocus my eyes. This has all the sex appeal of a herpes commercial. Frankly, some of these people should be prosecuted under a blight law. One girl had done a video in a Hillary Clinton wig trying to imitate her. Never in my wildest dreams have I ever wanted to picture Hillary naked, not even as a parody. I’m not sure she even looks at herself naked. For most of them, appearing naked is not an enhancement. I was forever traumatized when Dennis Franz showed his butt on NYPD Blue. Talk about bad career choices. (For those of you that don’t remember this heinous moment in television history and have no idea who Dennis is refer to Die Hard 2. He’s the cop that keeps giving Bruce a hard time. The fact that I have to explain that shows what it did for his career.) I think nudity should be left to the porn sites and the bad HBO/Showtime specials. I definitely do not want to see some naked kid with enough metal stuck in his head and chest to qualify as a Terminator talking about the rough time he had in computer programming class. Or why he can’t get a girl. Dude, the video is not helping. Next thing you know the elderly will be getting in on this. Happy Christmas greetings from the old folks home. The grandkids are running around screaming “I’m blind, I’m blind.” The parents are yelling “We wish we were, We wish we were.” The craze is being dubbed – The Nude-o-lution. I’m usually up for a little cutting edge dissidence but from what I’ve seen so far this one is better left on the cutting room floor.

To read more about this and see some of the prime video candidates, go here:
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=143101&in_page_id=2Or just simply log into you tube.

QUARTERBACKS, BEER BONGS AND SORORITY GIRLS

Recently, Matt Leinart got himself into hot water. That’s hot tub water with four sorority girls. For those of you that are unaware, Leinart is the young up and coming quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals. It appears he has hosted a party at his home that was attended by a plethora of Arizona State sorority girls. Oh horror. Oh Matt, why did you do it? The NFL of course, is annoyed by all of this and so is his coach who has publicly chastised Matt’s behavior. I know why he did it. Because he can! I know why everyone else is upset. They weren’t invited. A photo has escaped that shows Matt holding a “beer bong” for a blonde college girl. (Said photo can be viewed by clicking the link at the bottom of this post.) The photo screams, “I’m drunk, I’m surrounded by babes and we have beer. I love football.” Now keep in mind this was all done in the offseason, at his home, and Matt is single, a millionare, just a couple of years out of college and may have been trying to recapture glory moments of his past. The NFL is unhappy because he’s supposed to be a “Role Model.” Right now he’s mine. Actually, this could elevate him to “Hero” status. Now keep in mind, I am not a Cardinals fan. I am however a mega-football fan. The only issue I have with this is that I didn’t get to go. Vince McMahon, when he tried to make his ill-fated XFL was constantly calling the NFL the “No Fun League.” Let’s see, he wasn’t arrested, didn’t murder or assault anyone, didn’t shoot off his mouth about the NFL being a step above slavery, there wasn’t even rumors about drugs at the bash. No he had a beer party, with lots of hot college girls. Dude, you sooo rock. Hugh Hefner is old. Matt could be the heir apparent. I can see it now, Matt’s house, Playboy Mansion south. Leinart has done males everywhere proud. We are all looking at this going “wow, this just doesn’t suck.” The media may be trying to be politically correct in condemning Leinart’s behavior, me, I just want his address.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7978376/Leinart-facing-scrutiny-over-Internet-pics

MILITARY INTELLIGENCE, BOMBS NEW JERSEY HOME.

Everyone has heard the comment that Military Intelligence is one of the world’s largest oxymorons. There’s a reason the word “moron” makes up most of this word. Well, this is further proof of that statement. Apparently, in New Jersey, at a military research facility, a piece of artillery misfired and its contents deposited themselves within a New Jersey suburb home. Fortunately the shell was not armed so the house itself is still standing. It did hit the family cat, who is no longer with us. It, at the very least shows, they may have been aiming at something. Maybe it was the cat. He could have been an agent. I remember the old Bond films, Blofeld always had a cat. Then there’s Dr. Evil. I may be on to something here. Shouldn’t they be doing this somewhere like maybe a war zone, an empty desert, a law firm, not in a highly populated area. Oh yea, right, sorry, it’s that Military intelligence thing again. The dud landed about 2 and-a-half miles away from its place of origin during some tests at the Picatinny Arsenal. They say it misfired, but of course what else are you going to say, “Thought we’d take a potshot at the neighborhood, see what we could pick off.” Maybe it went something like this: “Dude don’t point that cannon in that direction, it might be loaded.” It’s OK, the safety’s on.” “OOPs.” “It’s cool man, we’re in the military. We won’t have to actually explain a thing.” And they aren’t, the whole incident, so far, is unexplained from any official source. Another thing to fall victim to the convenience of classified. They probably don’t want to start a panic. You know, the next lucky target for our suburban weapons demonstration program is… Maybe they need a motto: Pot Shots R Us. We’ll get you and your little dog too. Or cat.


http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=142355&in_page_id=2

CAT POOP COFFEE TO BE SERVED IN ENGLAND COFFEE SHOP

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK OF CAT POOP COFFEE?
What I am about to tell you is absolutely true. No names have been changed to protect the guilty or anything like that. It appears that a coffee house in London, England is going to be making coffee that has been processed by going through a cat’s digestive system. That’s right, they fish it out of the cat poop. Now here’s the kicker, you only have to pay 50 English pounds (or $100) for this taste treat. O.K. I’m a coffee drinker and I consider myself the adventurous sort. Searching through cat crap for my morning cup of Joe would not work for me. Actually I don’t want my coffee coming from any form of fecal matter, cat, dog, Juan Valdez, his llama, nothing, nada. A man named David Cooper who is supposed to be internationally renowned for his wondrous creations, has come up with this stroke of brilliance. It will be served at Peter Jones’ department store in London. I mention the name so that you know if you stop by there, not to hit the coffee shop. It’s obviously way too expensive and they will apparently put anything in their coffee. Don’t they have a health department in England? The coffee is derived from the Kopi Luwak bean. Kopi Luwak, or Civet coffee, is made from beans eaten, partly digested, and then crapped out by the Indonesian civet cat. Workers collect beans from the plantation floor, wash away the poop and roast them. Here’s my dream job, collecting and breaking up cat crap. I bet their wages are crappy too. Mr Cooper said: “These rare coffees have been slowly hand roasted for around 12 minutes to ensure that we maximize the potential of each coffee. The final roast color is quite dark to ensure that the espresso is perfect for a smooth latte or cappuccino.” Quite dark, yes I’m sure it is, sort of poop colored right? And how about that aroma, essence of litter box. This makes me appreciate my $1.20 cup of generic Columbian so much more. When I visit England, I’m sticking with tea. They don’t pass that through cats do they?

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=139241&in_page_id=34

WHEN DID GOLF BECOME A CONTACT SPORT?

Ah, the sport of gentlemen. Yes Golf, that game that commands respect, courtesy and reserve. I can see it now, the crowds hushed, the intense putt on the 18th hole, I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it. Well it seems, on a course in western Pennsylvania some older players were trying to reinvent the sport. How, you ask? With good old American violence. Yes, now I’m waking up. This is an actual quote from the local police: “The incident started when one of two men drove a ball from the No. 15 tee. Instead of going straight, the ball veered toward four men on the No. 14 fairway. It's unknown if the two yelled "fore" to warn the four men or if the stray shot hit anyone. Apparently the two men from the 15th tee went over and asked for their ball back. The four men on the 14th hole decided to give them tips on how not to hit them in the future. That’s when the fight broke out. Here’s where the clever reinvention comes in. The twosome, elderly gentlemen of 71 an 62 years of age, started beating the crap out of the foursome…apparently with their clubs. Two of the foursome ended up in the hospital. Sound familiar? What other sport thrives on beating each other with blunt instruments? Yes it’s that Canadian great…Hockey. I can see it now. We’ll call it Gockey. No ice, but all the fun of a good goal line brawl. Picture it, Tiger Woods checks his opponent into the water trap. On the next hole the offended opponent hits him from behind chucking him head first into the sand trap. Now that’s a sport! I think these old guys might be on to something. We don’t have to forget the ladies here either. Instead of sand traps, how about mud pits! Instead of those dorky polo shirts, bikinis. You knew I was goin there didn’t you. We’ll finally have it when the top money winner for the PGA smiles and he has three missing teeth and a nose that goes in two different directions.

For the story that inspired this bit of speculation, go here:http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2008/04/09/this-is-why-you-should-always-yell-fore-even-on-good-tee-shot/

WILD TURKEYS FIND POSTAL WORKERS HOT!

The bane of a postal worker is usually a dog. In Wisconsin however, it seems that another animal has decided to give local mailmen a hard time, wild turkeys. Like a local street gang, these turkeys, in groups of 5-10 have been regularly assaulting the friendly neighborhood mail carriers. The attacks from these unruly ruffians have been quite violent. Several have attacked with the sharp spurs they have on their legs and one even attacked the postman while he was still inside of his truck! So what has the post office done to anger these turkeys? Nothing according to the local Post Office head, but one of the state Department of Natural Resources employees has a theory. The turkeys just may have a thing for Postal uniforms. Yes, apparently the birds are a bit kinky. You know what they say about someone in uniform. A regional wildlife supervisor says “It is clearly tied to the breeding season.” Which is coincidentally, right now. All I have to say is these postmen better watch when they bend over. They could have a horny turkey glued to their butt. During mating season, a male turkey’s head will turn from gaudy blue, to white, to red. Yep, that about covers the colors of the post office. The supervisor’s theory is that they may be attracted to the colors of the trucks, thus inducing a sexual frenzy and a hormone crazed attack. Can you prosecute wildlife for sexual harassment? The wildlife supervisor also says that locals feeding the turkeys may also be causing part of the problem by making them less afraid of humans. It sounds more like to me they’re feeding them vitamin E. The postal workers so far have tried to defend themselves with squirt guns and sticks, but this isn’t deterring the sexual enthusiasm. Personally I say turkey dinner anyone?

To read the article for this, go here:
WILD TURKEYS

ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY HEDGEHOG

A New Zealand man, William Singalargh has assaulted a 15 year old boy with a …hedgehog. Yes, I said a hedgehog. I’ve always heard that the Kiwi’s were a bit unconventional, but this is definitely over the top. Apparently it was the only thing close at hand he could throw at the kid. Yes, he threw it at the kid. He couldn’t have picked up a stick? I’m sure this poor little hedgehog was just minding his own business, when this big creature came by and grabbed him, picked him up and hurled him through the air. “Minding my own business, looking for lunch, don’t pick me up, don’t pick me up. Wait a minute, hey, I don’t fly. Yo-Yo, no wings here.” The article doesn’t state what the 15-year-old did to deserve such a strange attack, but it does say he only received minor damage. The local police admit that this is a new one for them. The man is being charged with “assault with a hedgehog.” The only casualty was the hedgehog who was found dead at the scene. They are considering charging Singalargh with animal cruelty, but they are unsure whether the animal was alive before the attack. This lends one to the inevitable conclusion that he may have been throwing road kill at the kid. “You little brat, I’m gonna get you with, with, with, (He looks around) …a dead hedgehog.” Actually he better hope it was dead because if it wasn’t, the British Society for the Preservation of Hedgehogs will go after him. A couple of years ago, they won a lawsuit against McDonalds Corp. over the lids of their Flurry cups. They were just the right size so that hedgehogs would get their heads caught in them when they would try to lick the leftover ice cream out of them. If the B.S for the P.O.H can take on someone as big as McDonalds, Singalargh hasn’t got a hedgehog’s chance in hell. His lawyer says he intends to plead innocent. He faces up to five years in prison. I’m not sure how that one would go over once you are in prison. “What ya in for?” “Assault with a hedgehog.” “I got your hedgehog…”

To read the actual article, go here:
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=136434&in_page_id=2

AREA 51 - GROOM LAKE - HOMEY AIRPORT?

Today’s topic is the renaming of Area 51. You know, the “top-secret” Air Force Base in Nevada where they supposedly hid all of the space aliens. The place is also known as Groom Lake, this facility has been a long time source of a good bit of speculation and mystery. It has been an even bigger source of denial. First, since the completion of the base sometime in the early 1950’s until 1994 our government denied that the base existed at all. We didn’t believe them, of course. And we speculated about what the place might really be and, more importantly why they denied its existence. Then they said it was a common research facility, we didn’t believe that either, at least the common part anyway. Then it was just a plain Air Force Base. Yea right. Of course now that the U.S. government has finally acknowledged its existence, they have decided to give it an actual name: Homey Airport. It has such a nice down home feel to it doesn’t it. So common, easily overlooked, nothing special about it. The Air Force claims it has no idea where the name comes from, apparently that too is classified, top secret and they’re not allowed to talk about it. I think the idea was to give the place a more hip, up-to-date feel. You know, stationed at “Homey with my homies.” But, as usual the Government is behind the times since the word “homey went out with the ‘90’s along with Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer and “In Living Color.” Maybe it’s a new Air Force plan to gloss over the fact you’re going to be stationed in the most God forsaken place on earth, the Nevada desert. “We’re sending you here, there’s absolutely no one around, nothing to do, you can never talk about it and you’ll never see the light of day again. But, it’s a nice Homey place. You’re going to love it.” Since the recent rash of UFO sightings in Texas and California, maybe they think the new name will attract Aliens better. Possibly a slogan like: “Homey Airport! We’ll leave the landing lights on for you.”

To read the article about this announcement by the Air Force, go here:
http://www.airforcetimes.com/news/2008/01/airforce_area51_newname_080122w/

CROOK BOTCHES FUNERAL PARLOR BREAK-IN

CROOK BOTCHES FUNERAL PARLOR BREAK-IN.

It seems to me the criminal mind just isn’t what it used to be. Where there were clever plots, intricate plans, elaborate schemes, now has degenerated into impulsive, spur of the moment, absurdities. It’s enough to make great thieves roll over in their graves. Take the case of the man who broke into the funeral parlor in Spain. First thing is that, he made so much noise breaking in he would have awakened the dead. He did awaken the neighbors who called the police over the racket. What was this guy thinking? “Maybe I’ll just stop by to get a feel for the place?” He certainly wasn’t there to make funeral arrangements. The next baffling move he made was when the police arrived, he chose to lie under a glass case imitating a corpse as his hiding place. Apparently, in Spain, the mourners are allowed to view the deceased through a glass case during the wake. Hiding in plain sight does not qualify as hiding. The idea of being a dead ringer for a corpse may have merit, but, if you’re going to play dead, hold your breath. The cops spotted him because he was still breathing. Dead giveaway if you ask me. That and the fact that his clothes were rumpled and dirty from the break in. The guy may not have been deceased, but his brain was, flat-lined, no firing of the synapses what so ever. He makes zombies look smart. The police or the owners of the funeral parlor still don’t know what he broke in for. There was no money or valuables in the place at all. They are baffled over the intent of the break-in. I wonder if his name is Igor and he works for an exiled Bavarian doctor that performs dubious experiments with lightning on dark nights in old castles. You just can’t get good help these days.

If you want to check out the actual news story, go here:http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080402/ap_on_fe_st/odd_spain_playing_dead

RAT ARTIST DIES – THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. Tony Blair the rat has died. No, not that Tony Blair, though that may be what is considered a valid opinion of him in some political circles. This Tony Blair is a rat, a real rat. And he’s considered an artist! This rat has been quite a sensation in Britain where some of his artwork has been selling upwards to 1000 British pounds. That’ll buy a lot of cedar chips for a rat. Apparently the rat chews on things and the owner, Helena Seget, sells them as art. What made her think that crap chewed up by a rat is art is beyond me. “Oh, that looks interesting. Think I’ll just pop down to the gallery and see what I can pick up for this piece of chewed paper.” Chewed Avocado is considered one of his greatest pieces. You realize if we found this anywhere but an art gallery we’d be calling the health department. “Let’s put it right next to the Monet’s honey.” What do you say when friends come over. “Hey Fred, there’s a half eaten avocado lying here. I’ll throw it away.” “No, that’s art.” “No, you left a chewed avocado out. I’ll pitch it.” “No don’t I paid 2000 dollars for that at an art gallery.” “I’ve got a half eaten apple core I’ll sell you for 20 bucks.” Apparently this rat’s fame has spread. The fact that he rates an obituary is amazing in itself. Even more so is the fact that the Discovery channel had just shot a documentary on Tony the Rat. It must have been a slow ratings month. “I have this great idea for a show, a British rat that’s an artist.” “Brilliant, brilliant.” “He chews up garbage and they sell it.” “Brilliant, brilliant.” When Tony died he was working on an unfinished project, a sponge, which Helena says she will finish off and sell post mortem. It was probably chewing on the sponge that killed him. Oh, to die for your art. I suspect now that the rat is dead, this one could go for millions, the last unfinished work of Tony the rat.

To read the article about this go here: http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=130000&in_page_id=2

TEXAS TOWN SOLICITES INTERSTELLAR TOURISM

Recently, UFO sightings in southern Texas has run rampant. Locals have been capturing them on video and cell-phones more than the paparazzi have shot Brad and Angelina. The interesting thing is that the UFOs captured on film do NOT all look alike. This has given the impression that there were more than one of them possibly looking for a place to land and something to do. The town of Stephenville, Texas has taken this to heart. They are providing discounts, and welcoming incentives for any aliens that would like to stop, land and visit their little community. One place, a fried chicken restaurant is even advertising free parking for spaceships. Another is providing discounts but the aliens must show IDs. One claims to have a spaceship mechanic on duty for break downs. Where did they get him? Area 51? I’m not sure inviting aliens to your hometown is all that well thought out. Have these people seen Independence Day? War of the Worlds? Invasion of the Body Snatchers? One of the local taverns has a sign: Aliens welcome. We don’t know what alcohol could do to these creatures. We thought drunk driving was a problem. A drunk alien, angry at a bar patron may not just go out to the vehicle and come back with a gun. It could start an interstellar war. We all remember the bar scene in Star Wars, light sabers, blasters, this could get ugly. What about drunk alien pilots? “Pilot to tower, Pilot to tower, we have a UFO coming straight for us. He’s not moving. He’s still coming at us. Oh god he’s going to hit us. No, he swerved at the last second. We’re Ok tower, we’re OK.” Once they get here, who says they’re going to leave. This could present a whole new illegal alien problem for Texas. Remember “Men in Black,” they put them all to work in the post office. Your Christmas gifts could end up on Mars. I think Stephenville should rethink this invitation. If aliens are coming here, they need to apply for passports and visas just like everybody else.

To read more about this go here:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/23/stephenville.aliens.irpt/index.html?eref=rss_offbeat

POLICE CHASE DONUT TRUCK

The saying goes, “If you’re looking for a cop, check the donut shop.” Well, apparently if you’re looking for all of the cops, steal a donut truck. That’s what happened in Tama County, Iowa, where apparently a guy by the name of Frank Alvarado stole a donut truck. Actually it was stolen in Illinois and it was Tama County where the hot truck of law enforcement confections was spotted. The local police immediately mobilized…ALL of the police, including one officer who came in his own personal vehicle to halt this heinous theft. Now, when they caught the guy, he was stopped by ramming the truck, the police were given the contents of the donut truck. First, my question is, did they know this would be their reward before they began the chase? “Calling all cars. Calling all cars, Donut truck stolen, Reward offered, contents of truck for apprehension of suspect. Calling all cars. Hot coffee will be served at booking.” Now the other thing that occurs to me is, why a donut truck? I can only put away a couple at a time. Mr. Alvarado ran off with a truck full resulting in a high speed chase. How good are these donuts? There were three different police agencies in pursuit. Are Illinois donuts better than Iowa donuts? “Hey, man, what are you in for?” “Hijacked a truck.” “Armored?” “No Donut.” “Tough luck, man. They won’t even plea bargain for that.” “Why’d you do it?” “Munchies. You know, you’re out partying, you come across a parked donut truck, It seemed like a good idea at the time. I ate 17 before they took me down though. Crème filled.” “You’re a legend, man.”

If you want to read more about this go here: http://www.autoblog.com/2008/03/26/stolen-donut-van-chased-by-cops-lots-of-cops/