FIDO GETS XEROXED

A northern California biotech company has announced that it will hold five online auctions to have your dog cloned. Yes now you can get copies of your favorite fido. The only thing is that the minimum bid is $100,000. Well, that’s a bit steep to pay for a dog, even if it is genetically engineered. The place is BioArts International located in Mill Valley, CA. It is the brainchild of Lou Hawthorne, and the research is led by Hwang Woo Suk a South Korean scientist who suffered international disgrace for having faked his research. OK, let me get this straight, you want me to pay over 100 grand to clone my dog with a guy who’s a known fraud. They must be operating from the theory that there’s a sucker born every minute. People are up in arms about this because they think this is the first step to human cloning. I think this is the least of their worries. Hawthorne used to run a company called Genetic Savings and Clone, but it folded when they tried to get people to clone their cats for $50,000. They had few takers and went bankrupt. Now he’s back and has set his sights on dogs. "The average dog owner has a different relationship with his dog than the average cat owner," Hawthorne said. "The level of intensity on the dog side just dwarfed what we saw on the cat side." In other words, he thinks they’re easier to fleece. I haven’t found out yet where the online auctions are to be held, but I’m hoping Ebay will refuse this one. The guy just doesn’t have good feedback. Of course there always those out there that have too much money and no sense. It’s not the research I object, though god knows we have enough normal pets in the world that people don’t want already, but it’s the man’s reputation. I think maybe hwang ought to consider horticulture. BioArts said in a statement it has been granted the sole license for cloning dogs, cats and endangered species using patented processes developed for the cloning of Dolly the sheep, the first successfully cloned animal. Ok someone isn’t paying attention to the background here. We have a previously failed company and a fly-by night scientist. This thing screams plot for a bad “B” sci-fi movie, Attack of the Clone Dogs. Well, at least something is still being made in America. Step right up, get your preordered dog, use our handy drive-thru window. Would you like a happy meal with that?
http://news.aol.com/story/_a/company-will-clone-dogs-for-top-bidders/20080522093409990002?icid=100214839x1202690249x1200106843

STONER FAILS TO SEE COP WHEN BARTERING WITH POT

First rule, when you go into the party store to pay for your munchies, make sure you have enough money. Second rule, if you don’t, put something back. Third rule, look around at your surroundings. Fourth rule, and this is the big one, don’t try to pay with pot when a cop is standing behind you in line. Take Wade Churchward of Wellington, New Zealand for instance, actually, don’t the guy’s too loaded, you wouldn’t want him. He had apparently been drinking, getting stoned and had an attack of the screaming munchies. Personally I would have gone to find an all-you-can-eat buffet here, but to each his own. He pulls into a local party store to cure his all consuming problem. His mind is focused on one objective, food, food. He picks up two packages of M&Ms and some potato chips. This is a very sensible stoner diet. So far so good. When he goes to the cashier to pay for it, he realizes he doesn’t have enough money to pay for it. Red, Flag, Red Flag. Time to resort to the barter system. He reaches into his pocket and finds something he thinks he can trade. So far, not so good. Here we get to Churchward’s prime error. He had apparently failed to notice the police vehicle parked outside the building and the police officer that had taken his place in line right behind him. Ooops. Actually, big ooops. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small sack of marijuana and the pipe to smoke it in and asks if the store clerk is willing to trade. The police officer behind him slaps on the cuffs. No kidding, what a surprise. That’s enough to turn any day into a fast bummer. He pleaded guilty in District Court to possessing marijuana. Yes, that one is going to be a little hard to argue. Even Perry Mason isn’t getting him out of this one. Churchward was released on bail and will be sentenced on July 3. I wonder if they allowed him to barter that. “Dudes, I’ve got a kilo I’ll trade for bail.” Marijuana possession is usually punished by a minor fine in New Zealand. So, next time you go to the store, stupid stoned, check to make sure you have enough money AND LOOK FOR THE COP BEHIND YOU IN LINE! Today’s lesson has been brought to you by Wade Churchward, winner of the coveted “Can’t handle your high” award. Congratulations, your certificate will be arriving in the mail. (I wonder if he’ll read this and actually check for it?)

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/20/5617976-ap.html

PILOT AND STEWARDESS' NIGHT OF DRUNKEN DEBAUCHERY GOES BAD

We’ve all heard about the pilot and stewardess tales, flitting from one destination to the other having affairs on their layovers and in general partying in all of those wonderful exotic locations. This story shatters that dreamy idyllic illusion. Yes there are a million stories with the naked pilots, this is one of them. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, so much for the exotic location, Jeffery Paul Bradford and Adrianna Grace Connor, gotta love the names though, both employees of Pinnacle Airlines were having dinner at a diner. It had been a long night of drinking and partying. Their evening was not over. Pheromones were thick, as was the overwhelming urge of alcohol so they decided to take a walk in the woods. Somehow, it’s not really clear when, either during or after satisfying their carnal urges to two became separated from each other and their clothes. Oh horror, naked white people are running loose in the Pennsylvania woods. Yes, they were lost. People in the neighborhood summoned police at about 9:30 pm saying they had seen a naked man and an intoxicated woman wandering about. That’s when they called in the helicopter with the heat seeking equipment, the search was on. Bradford was discovered hiding behind a shed shortly before midnight. Connor was picked up after she had stolen someone’s car. “We just wanted to do it in the woods.” Was all they had to say for themselves. They did it alright. Bradford is being charged with indecent exposure, public drunkenness, and other unspecified charges. Connor is charged with theft of a motor vehicle, public drunkenness, and other minor offences including the theft of a flashlight from a neighbor’s car. Yes, our story ends with one bit of advice, if your’e going into the woods, take a compass stupid. Or better yet get a room. It’ll keep the dirt out of your butt. And your name off the internet.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080520/ap_on_fe_st/odd_naked_pilot

GAMER BOY HIRES HOOKERS FOR HALO

Sex in the city? No babes around the Xbox. A 13 year old boy, Ralph Hardy from Newark, Texas, ordered an extra copy of his dad’s credit card. Bad boy. He then proceeded to take his friends on a $30,000 spending spree. Really bad boy. He then decided to hire a couple of hookers and take them back to a motel. Young teenagers with hormones raging you ask? No they hired them to play Xbox and Halo with them. The prostitutes later told police that they became suspicious that these boys might be under age at this point. Really. How old could they have looked at 13. Could the lack of facial hair tipped them off? The boys were obviously tired of playing with themselves and needed some new action. But did the ladies raise the alarm? No, it was the delivery man that brought them Dr. Pepper and Oreos. Why go and get it when you can have it delivered? They confided in the delivery guy that they had gotten their windfall of money at a World of Warcraft tournament. He then called the police after the boys asked for advice on hiring more women. Apparently the ones they found weren’t that great at Halo. When the police arrived, they found $3,000 in cash, an Xbox, and two hookers. The fun part of this is, other than the credit card issue, none of this is illegal. Ralph told police that his lawyer father wouldn’t mind the whole thing because he had forgotten his birthday the week before. Apparently Ralph was wrong because he has been convicted of fraud and is doing three years, community service. Bad boy. As for Ralph’s friends, they apparently let him take the rap. Halo, hookers and Oreos, those wild and crazy gamers, what will they come up with next? I know, Guitar Hero, Groupies, and Root Beer. There’s nothing like living on the edge.



http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=148080&in_page_id=2

DARTH VADER ATTACKS JEDI CHURCH IN UK

George Lucas may have started more than he bargained for. Did you know there is an actual church of the Jedi? Yes, in Britain, in Holyhead, Wales is a church that espouses the teachings behind the “force” in the Star Wars movies. I wonder if they talk like Yoda during services? “The force, you must worship. With you, it is.” Church founder, Barney Jones also known as Master Jonba Hehol, I can see why he changed his name, Jedi Master Barney just doesn’t do it, was attacked in his church. 27 year old Arwel Wynne Hughes, dressed up as Darth Vader and attacked the Jedi Master. Apparently light sabers were not involved. Alcohol was. Arwel admits to having drunk the better part of 2 and ½ gallons of wine. He dressed as Darth Vader, came into the church and shouted “Darth Vader! Jedis!” and beaned Barney with a metal crutch. He should have been shouting “I am your Father.” I’m not sure if that is new training for the Sith or where the crutch came from. He also smacked Jones’ cousin, Michael Jones – Master Mormi Hehol bruising his thigh. Arwel had drunk enough he doesn’t actually remember the attack but the whole thing was caught on video as the two cousins were about to record themselves having a light saber duel. I don’t know why they didn’t defend themselves. The church has about 30 members and claims “insight and knowledge as a guide to living a more worthwhile life.” "We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously." It appears he may be correct because in a 2001 census, 390,000 Brits put down Jedi as their religion. 20,000 in Canada. Arwel Hughes was fined for the attack and then released, yes, Darth Vader still roams the Welsh countryside. Probably planning his next attack on the Jedi temple. The British “Empire” obviously working with Vader in his plans to do them in with crutches. What was that? Palpatine for Parlaiment? Darth Maul seen in a Scottish pub. Trouble, there is. Trust in the force Hehol, trust in the force.

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/13/5550661-ap.html

CRYSTAL SKULL STOLEN FROM NEW AGE SHOP IN CALIFORNIA

Ok, I have the Indiana Jones theme running through my head already. A large crystal skull, named Solar Ray, yes they actually named it, was ripped off from a new age shop in Claremont, California. It was openly on display with absolutely no security measures in place. I think California has got be officially the flakiest place on earth. “We have zero shoplifting in here, and I have no idea why anyone would take something as lovely as that,” said Persis Newland, owner of Kindred Spirits. You don’t? Let’s see, does having something really cool for nothing ring a bell. Did his mother really name him Persis? The skull had been on loan and was residing on an altar in the store’s classroom area. “He was on an altar, and he just enjoyed being here,” said employee Kristen Nestor, who supervises the store’s weekly crystal-reading classes. “He participated in our classes.” So far, near as I can tell, he was the smartest one there. I want to know how he actually participated. Did he raise his crystal eyebrow when he wanted to ask a question? The skull was authentic and was believed to be 500 years old and is similar to the one that is in the new upcoming Indiana Jones movie. There is a legend that the Maya possessed 13 of the crystal skulls and when united they would save the earth. It’s the basis of the new Indy movie. Newland believes that the focus on the film may have prompted the theft. It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes or Indiana Jones to put that one together. It’s also believed that the skulls can heal and influence natural events. Well, if they influence natural events, they must really be angry lately. Maybe the class they should have been holding for the skull was anger management. “He likes to travel and things like that,” Nestor said. What, does he pack up his little crystal bag and book a flight? Can crystal skulls get visas? “He was here for about four months, just enjoying everyone who comes through here.” Well, it seems that someone enjoyed him a little too much. If it was Mayan, maybe its green card ran out. Instead of stolen he may have been deported. I bet the skull wasn’t getting paid and this was a new age sweat shop. Has anyone called the INS?

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/12/5543991-ap.html

THE GEORGE BUSH SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT

A group in San Francisco called the Presidential Memorial commission wants to rename one of the City Sewage Treatment plants the George W Bush Sewage Plant. Considering Bush’s environmental policies, there may be some irony in this. Ordained Minister and activist John Rinaldi, who ran for mayor last year under the name of Chicken John, is one of the sponsors of the petition. I guess the religious right isn’t as impressed with Bush as he thought they were. Rinaldi says it would turn every toilet in San Francisco into a shrine to GW and all of his achievements in his eight years as our Commander-in-Chief. A leader of the local Republican Party, Leo Lacayo says it’s insulting. Howard Epstein, Chairman of the City’s Republican Party says, “it’s just another crazy idea from the weirdo transients that call San Francisco home.” Actually I didn’t know there were Republicans in San Francisco. Organizers have so far collected about 1,100 of the needed 10,000 signatures to get it on the ballot. Republicans say that if it makes it, it has a good chance of passing. Sort of like gas. They call it a waste of time and money. The Republicans should know about that. "This is the best memorial that San Francisco is going to give to George Bush, and he should appreciate it for its face value, for exactly what it is. It's actually the least we can do." Says Rinaldi. The White house says they won’t dignify this with a comment. It doesn’t surprise me that this is one they want kept hush - hush. I expect Rinaldi has his very own Cia agent by now.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354706,00.html

POLICE OFFICER SHOOTS HIMSELF IN ANKLE DURING DEMO

In Mayberry, Barney Fife was never allowed to put his one bullet into his gun. Police Chief David Hansen should have had the same rule. Actually I don’t think this guy should be allowed near a loaded gun. During a class in Riverside, Utah, which would enable participants to get their concealed weapons permits, Hansen decided to load his Glock 40. Students say they were nervous when he did it and saw no reason for the action. "We were told the gun is the chief's personal sidearm, but it looked to me like he didn't know anything about the gun," Lewis Walker said, one of the students. It appears his observation may have been correct. He put the gun under a table to disassemble it while it was still loaded and it went off shooting Hansen in the ankle. This proves once again that stupid people, carelessness and loaded weapons just don’t mix. Yes, let’s let Zippy the Pinhead have a gun. The students were lucky he only shot himself. An officer at the scene joked that "instead of shooting himself, he should have used the Taser." I can see where that might have been entertaining. The local police spin on this is that the chief is a hero and that the students are disgruntled. Disgruntled, they’re lucky they weren’t killed. Yes let’s pin medals on morons. It appears they need to rethink who teaches this class, like maybe someone…qualified? They could have learned more from a street hood. This certainly follows the saying, “It’s not the machinery, it’s the operator. If residents are smart, they’ll be applying for their weapons permits in the next town over. Maybe they should downgrade their class demos to a Supersoaker.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080507/ap_on_fe_st/police_chief_shot

CAN I GET A BEER TO GO?

Bill Bramanti of Illinois is planning on taking one with him. That’s when he dies. Bramanti is a true beer drinker. And has had his coffin made in the image of a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer can to prove it. This proves you can get absolutely anything these days. Yes, in a thousand years, if archaeologists dig up Bill, they’re going to know what kind of man he was, a beer man. Currently, there’s nothing wrong with Bramanti and he has no intentions of passing on into the great beyond anytime soon. In the meantime, he’s thrown a party and he fills the coffin with ice and beer, Pabst of course. This guy is going to be a riot at tailgate parties. Pull up, flip open your coffin and and start drinking all the soon to be dead soldiers inside. I bet that coffin holds a lot of beer. I wonder, since he’s currently using it as a cooler, is there a spout to drain the water for the ice. This could be a whole new sideline for Coleman. The multipurpose Mega Cooler! A cooler now, a coffin later. He figures, why put such a great piece on the shelf when it can fulfill such a practical purpose while he’s still alive. Bramanti says the coffin is a great fit and yes he has tried it out. It presents some interesting possibilities. Does it come with a pop top? If left unrefrigerated does it get skunky? I supposes shaking it up is a bad idea. If five of his buddies do the same thing can they get buried as a 6-pack? When you buy one, does it come with a complimentary can cozy? When he does pass, I think they should bury him with a 12 to go.

http://news.aol.com/story/_a/hes-got-pabst-blue-ribbon-as-his-shrine/20080505092009990001