STONER FAILS TO SEE COP WHEN BARTERING WITH POT

First rule, when you go into the party store to pay for your munchies, make sure you have enough money. Second rule, if you don’t, put something back. Third rule, look around at your surroundings. Fourth rule, and this is the big one, don’t try to pay with pot when a cop is standing behind you in line. Take Wade Churchward of Wellington, New Zealand for instance, actually, don’t the guy’s too loaded, you wouldn’t want him. He had apparently been drinking, getting stoned and had an attack of the screaming munchies. Personally I would have gone to find an all-you-can-eat buffet here, but to each his own. He pulls into a local party store to cure his all consuming problem. His mind is focused on one objective, food, food. He picks up two packages of M&Ms and some potato chips. This is a very sensible stoner diet. So far so good. When he goes to the cashier to pay for it, he realizes he doesn’t have enough money to pay for it. Red, Flag, Red Flag. Time to resort to the barter system. He reaches into his pocket and finds something he thinks he can trade. So far, not so good. Here we get to Churchward’s prime error. He had apparently failed to notice the police vehicle parked outside the building and the police officer that had taken his place in line right behind him. Ooops. Actually, big ooops. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small sack of marijuana and the pipe to smoke it in and asks if the store clerk is willing to trade. The police officer behind him slaps on the cuffs. No kidding, what a surprise. That’s enough to turn any day into a fast bummer. He pleaded guilty in District Court to possessing marijuana. Yes, that one is going to be a little hard to argue. Even Perry Mason isn’t getting him out of this one. Churchward was released on bail and will be sentenced on July 3. I wonder if they allowed him to barter that. “Dudes, I’ve got a kilo I’ll trade for bail.” Marijuana possession is usually punished by a minor fine in New Zealand. So, next time you go to the store, stupid stoned, check to make sure you have enough money AND LOOK FOR THE COP BEHIND YOU IN LINE! Today’s lesson has been brought to you by Wade Churchward, winner of the coveted “Can’t handle your high” award. Congratulations, your certificate will be arriving in the mail. (I wonder if he’ll read this and actually check for it?)

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/05/20/5617976-ap.html

A.R. BROOMER LIMITED, YOUR SOURCE FOR BARGAIN GOD

Amanda Broomer sells the skulls of martyrs, the teeth of saints, and splinters from the cross of Jesus. In Manhattan’s Upper East Side, in New York, A. R. Broomer Limited deals in religious antiques. Other items include things like pieces of the body of Saint Therese made into a paste, clothing worn by Saint Anthony, or, one of my favorites, a touched nail, which means it’s a nail that touched a nail from the crucifixion. Of course people pay big bucks for this stuff and Broomer has a thriving business selling these items exclusively. Why am I picturing P.T. Barnum here. "I just got in three bone fragments of St. Francis of Assisi," she says. "He will go very quickly." I bet he will. The selling of religious objects is nothing new and it is quite prevalent in Europe where there are more of these to be found. People buy them in an effort to reconnect with the church and god. Why not just go to church. It might save you a few thousand dollars. I guess some people just aren’t satisfied with a bobble-head Virgin Mary. Vendors have a system in which relics are classified into grades. First class pertains to body parts of saints--a fingernail of the Apostle Paul, say, or a strand of the Virgin Mary's hair. Items (supposedly) touched by Jesus often are first class. The second class encompasses the relics of lesser figures--Mother Teresa's tennis shoes. The third class has items that have touched something first class like the "touched" nail. Am I the only one that thinks this is a really morbid scam? Broomer says she really likes the reliquaries, the ornate boxes that the items come in. She is also Jewish and doesn’t believe in holy objects. I can see where that would make it easier to deal in these things. She does say that she believes in the experiences her customers have concerning these objects. Number one rule of sales, relate to the customer. Broomer confides that her typical customer is male, single, middle-class and gay. Well, thanks to Broomer Limited salvation is just down the street so pick up your piece of Christ today. Decannonized saints are on markdown. Check out our line of holy grails.


http://www.forbes.com/lifestyle/forbes/2008/0519/140.html?partner=aol