SOCCER PLAYER'S CREATIVE REHAB UNCOVERS DIFFERENT KIND OF BALLS.

A good consumer rule is to check the merchandise before you buy it. Brazilian Soccer star for the Milan Strikers and two time world cup winner Ronaldo should have paid attention to that rule when he brought a couple of prostitutes back to his room. Yes there was more than one so Ronaldo had quite a night planned for himself. He was in Brazil to rehab his injured knee and it appears his recovery is going quite well. That was the only thing about this night that would go well. These weren’t girls from Ipanema. They were transvestites. Oh Horror! Oh Rocky! Yes , Ronaldo had entered the Tranny zone. Once the package was unwrapped, the merchandise wasn’t what he had bargained for. These weren’t soccer balls staring at him. He may have wished they were. Ronaldo, realizing his error tried to get them to leave his motel room by paying them the equivalent of $600 U.S. Instead, one of them wanted several thousand and threatened to go to the media with all of the sordid details. Ah, the plot thickens. The game is afoot. Ronaldo was apparently unimpressed by the threats and there are rumors that an altercation may have insued, though no one has yet made any formal claims. One of the she-males ripped the phone out of the wall so that the police couldn’t be called, but apparently all of the prostitutes weren’t in on the blackmail attempt, only one. No goals scored here. I wonder who gets the game ball? They voluntarily went to the police and related this tale of woe and mistaken gender. Ronaldo, has gone into hiding and is not commenting. I’d hide too after that bit of embarrassment. Keeping his mouth shut can only help. He’s canceled media appearances and is working on his physiotherapy at home. That’s where he should have worked on it in the first place. There are no charges currently pending as prostitution is legal in Brazil, but one may be filed for extortion on the blackmailing prostitute. Maybe he can sue for consumer fraud. How about false advertising? Misleading packaging? So the moral of the story is, wait a minute, this story is devoid of morals, never mind.

http://sports.aol.com/soccer/story/_a/star-caught-in-incident-with/20080428223109990001?icid=100214839x1200960760x1200036714

"GIRLS GONE WILD" SUED BY A HOOKER?

Like everyone, I’ve happened upon the cheesy infomercials in the middle of the night. The “Girls Gone Wild” series is a staple of the redeye hours of nothing on the TV and of course, displays college girls reveling in drunken debauchery and topless jiggling. I find that it perks up a long night. Ashley Dupre, the call girl that brought New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer to disgrace is currently attempting to sue Joe Francis, creator of the soft-porn mega success for using footage of her in his videos. Am I missing something here? Just because she made the media by ruining a politicians career, she’s suddenly respectable? Too good for “Girls GoneWild?” She’s filed suit against Francis for $10 million. I’m sure real porn stars don’t make that kind of money in a lifetime, let alone a hooker who just flashed her boobs. She was probably using the footage for part of her resume. "She's seeking $10 million for topless photos taken in front of a room full of people, including two newspapers and multiple crews we had in the room," says Francis. "These images were taken in public places and contain no sexual contact.” Dupre claims that Francis has used her image and name to promote the videos with her in it. You think? I know I would have. Apparently her 15 minutes of fame wasn’t enough, so now she hopes to extend it by keeping herself in the media. She probably lost a lot of clientele when she rolled over on the politician. 10 Million, that’s one heck of a trick. Who’s the one getting screwed now. Bend over, I’ll drive. There’s probably a book deal in the offing as well. There always is. Well, once a prostitute always a prostitute. That could be the title of her book. Well, since this will be going to court, we know who will get the money, the real prostitutes, lawyers. I wonder if “Girls Gone Wild will be coming out in Hi-Def soon?

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20195892,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

SAN FRANCISCO PRAYER VIGIL HELD FOR GAS PRICES

Yes there is no doubt that gas prices are out of hand and have been for quite a long time. So high in fact that a Washington D.C. area resident has come to California to hold “pray-ins” at local service stations. Why he chose California is unknown other than the fact that it is the only place he won’t seem crazy. Well, you were wrong, we still think you’re nuts. Maybe God told him to go there. “Go my son and pray before the pump of Chevron. I shall be waiting. You shall receive a sign. It shall say unto you $4.05 a gallon.” Rocky Twyman, a community organizer, church choir director and public relations consultant from the Washington, D.C. suburbs, is the organizer of the religious protests. "God is the only one we can turn to at this point," said Twyman. "Our leaders don't seem to be able to do anything about it. The prices keep soaring and soaring. God, deliver us from these high gas prices,” So of course he leaves the only place that can do anything about it, Washington D.C. and goes to San Francisco, the loony bin of the U.S. He should fit right in. His previous campaign was to get Oprah Winfrey nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. God wasn’t listening to that one either. I wonder if anybody has checked his medication? Certainly something has to be done about gas prices, but I don’t think group prayer at Chevron stations is going to do it. All that’s going to accomplish is getting frustrated patrons yelling, “Get your damn ass out of the way,” while they’re trying to pull in and fill up. God helps people who help themselves. Instead of asking for divine intervention, it seems like a political movement or boycotts would make a bit more sense. Most of us have been quietly praying that gas doesn’t hit $5.00 a gallon as it is. Hasn’t worked has it? It won’t be long and we’ll be seeing guys with trench coats on the corners speaking in a raspy voice, “Wanna buy some gas?” Why am I having flashbacks of Mad Max? Maybe if Twyman looks close enough he’ll discover Jesus’ face in a gas spill.

http://snafu-ed.blogspot.com/2008/04/gas-prices-too-high-it.html

MICHAEL JACKSON SWEARS OFF WOMEN?

That headline graced the top of an article I just couldn’t resist. You’ll find the link to it below. I didn’t know Michael had anything to do with women. Even Lisa Marie Presley admits that their relationship had little relationship to a relationship. I thought it was all small children and prepubescent boys along with the occasional chimp. The article says he let his nanny go whom he was apparently having a “relationship” with and has sworn off women for the time being. This comes as he moves ahead to record his first album of new music in god knows how long. What’s it going to be called “Broke?” Personally, I think the airwaves were just fine without him. It probably won’t be long and we will see the “nanny” smeared all over the tabloids after she made a beeline to her lawyer’s office in an effort to join the long list of multitudes that has already sued him. That’s probably why he’s recording the album. The legal fees, light bills, taxes, that endless barrage of costs that his weird personal life has brought him, should have sent him to the poor house by now. In an effort to focus on the music, he has reportedly banned his children from the recording studio. This has got to be this first time he has banned children from anywhere. I suppose though, if you’re constantly fantasizing about them, you can‘t concentrate. In a recent attempt to restore his credibility and appear somewhere other than a tabloid, he granted an interview with Ebony magazine, for which they put him on the cover. Ebony? Sorry, this man? There’s definately more ivory going on here than Ebony. Michael is so white he makes Barack Obama look black. The cover, which appeared in the December 2007 issue, has Michael in a white suit with a white background in a vain effort to show some contrast. All it does is prove how white he really is. It’s also been rumored that up and coming star Akon will appear on the album along with Michael. You know the rap star that had to forge a criminal career so he would fit in. Maybe he thinks hanging out with Michael will sully up his image a bit and make him appear “Bad.” Though I have to admit, Michael isn’t one who has the “Gangsta” image and hanging out with a weirdo like Mike probably isn’t going to help his resume. Personally, I think, instead of swearing off women, Michael should swear off his career, take few hints from Howard Hughes and lock himself away and cuddle up with the Elephant Man.

http://www.theboombox.com/2008/04/25/michael-jackson-swears-off-women/?icid=100214839x1200764619x1200027890

ADOLF HITLER MEETS CAPTAIN AMERICA AND GI JOE

A toy company in the Ukraine has come up with an interesting new idea, the Adolf Hitler doll. This 12” movable figure will be quite detailed and come with a variety of accessories. It will have several changes of clothes, you can have either the imposing Third Reich black with the swastika band on the arm or the “classic” brown-shirt early days of Adolf’s rise to power. Heck it’s even supposed to have his dog Blondi, the German Shepard available. Of course the Ukrainian company is causing a lot of controversy with their new product, but like most things it’s all in how you perceive it. You see, I collect action figures and my Captain America action figure could really use Adolf. These Marvel Action figures have 32 points of articulation, He can really kick Adolf’s butt. He’s tired of just chasing around the Red Skull. (For those of you that don’t know, the Red Skull is a perpetual Nazi WWII nemesis of Cap’s.) Now the Skull has someplace to get his orders from. This week’s episode, Can Captain America save Ken and Barbie from being tossed into the Easy-Bake Oven? I can even team him up with GI Joe. Can they stop Hitler from building his dreaded Atlantic Wall around my bathtub? I can even call in Indiana Jones, we all know he says “Nazis I hate those guys.” Yes, I have one of those too. Picture it, what a team-up. How about this, Hitler is resurrected in the future by the Red Skull. It’s now the 2000’s. What he fails to realize is Nick Fury, formerly, Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos, has all of SHIELD and Marvel’s Avengers working for him. Ben Grimm, the Thing,“It’s Clobberin’ Time” from the Fantastic Four, Ironman, the Hulk, Spiderman, the Human Torch, I have them all. I can even throw in the Silver Surfer for a cosmic power spanking. I’ll have Adolf crying like a baby by the time I’m done. My heroes need a new bad guy. Heck bring ‘em all on, Rommel, Himmler, I’ll even take a Panzer tank. “Hulk Smash.”

http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/section?category=PluckPersona&U=cce7c5f9d55442c7b8aeafa5e07cafe5&plckController=PersonaBlog&plckScript=personaScript&plckElementId=personaDest&plckPersonaPage=BlogViewPost&plckPostId=Blog%3acce7c5f9d55442c7b8aeafa5e07cafe5Post%3a7c4bd04a-c886-4c19-bd7a-877fac11cffb&plckCommentSortOrder=TimeStampAscending&sid=sitelife.app.com

BUDWEISER, BOOZE AND BIBLES - CHURCH MEETS AT THE PUB

How about some cocktails with your sermon? In Sidney, Ohio, the Country Rock Church is now holding services in a local pub. Their website promotes: “Top regional bands, pizza, wings, rowdy fun and a short message.” I’ve never known a sermon to be short, but if I’m drunk I don’t care. The ten commandments say nothing about getting loaded during church services. Now that I recall didn’t Jesus drink wine? Wow, a match made in heaven. Their first Sunday night service brought around 100 attendees. I expect it perked up a slow night for the bar. The first sermon compared life with the bar’s mechanical bull. Yee, haw, Ride ‘em cowboy. I bet that idea came after a couple of shots of tequila. Rev. Chris Heckaman says people really seemed to enjoy themselves. Chris, they were drunk. That’s the idea of getting drunk. Now I’ve always understood there are two taboos in a bar. You never talk about religion or politics. But then again, taboos are made to be broken and apparently the Reverend is a live on the edge kind of guy. I wonder if he tried the bull? Do some of the offerings go to tip the barmaids? Can you get up to go pee in the middle of the sermon? Beer can create awfully urgent situations. Do they rename the food for the evening? Fire and brimstone hot wings. The Good God Super Deluxe Pizza. Does the band work up a couple of hymns for the night or do they just stick with the old standards like Ghost Riders in the Sky and Free Bird. I can see where a little Stairway to Heaven could work. The Reverend says they are going to be meeting there every week. So remember, be kind, tip generously, and the Jello shots are on special. Next week’s sermon – eight ball in the corner pocket!

You have to check this out! Click the link below for the church website:
http://www.sidneyfirst.com/Discover/CountryRockChurch/tabid/140/Default.aspx
To read the news article about this click this link:http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/04/21/5348111-ap.html

PICK UP SOME POT WITH YOUR PIZZA AT THE DRIVE-THRU

At the Port Smith, Arkansas, Pizza Hut, you could get some special herb with that pizza to go. The manager of the Pizza hut was arrested for selling pot from the drive-thru window. I guess this was one innovative business practice that didn’t sit well. I’ll bet the owner of the pizza parlor will miss him, or at least the extra profits he brought in. I can see the beauty in this. Pick up your munchies along with your sack of weed and never leave the car. “I wanna order 10 supreme pizzas and 36 orders of bread sticks.” “Would you like some sodas for that cotton mouth later?” “Oh yea, thanks man you’re a real lifesaver. I’ll take four, 2 liters.” I wonder if they had a special button to ring that up on. Could you get delivery if you tipped the driver a doobie? The local police, working on a tip raided the manager’s office and found six ounces of marijuana and a digital scale, gotta have that portion control. I bet the tipster got shorted on a bag and complained. Maybe somebody goofed up his order and he got a half-ounce instead of a full one. This concept presents so many possibilities. “We’re running a special tonight. We‘ve got brownies.” How about that special herbed crust? I want to know if you could order a handful cooked right into your pizza “Hey everybody I got the best pizza in town. It’s the Pizza Hut cannabis deep dish with extra cheese.” I’m sure business has dropped dramatically now that every stoner’s fantasy has been ruined. “Dude, did you hear? We can’t get our pot and pizzas to go any more.” “I hate that. They get a special you really like and they discontinue it. It sucks man. I’m gonna miss that one.”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080421/ap_on_fe_st/odd_drive_through_dope

PRINCE WILLIAM HAS A SHINY NEW HELICOPTER

Prince William has a shiny new helicopter that he simply cannot quit showing off. Of course the British tabloids are having a field day with this, they seem to have a field day with anything the royal family does. I’m surprised they don’t follow them right into the toilet. The newest outrage is that he landed his helicopter in a field outside of his girlfriend’s house. Now of course most guys, when they get a new ride pull up outside of the favorite babes house just to show it off. It seems that just because he’s a prince, he’s no different than the rest of us. “Hi, sweetheart check out the new ride. It’s even got chrome headers and wheels.” Now understand, this is a military helicopter from the Royal Air Force and the Prince has just graduated as a chopper pilot earlier this month. Thus the flap. Some are saying that it’s frivolous use of military resources. Hey, wake up. He owns it. He’s the Prince. It’s still a monarchy, the chopper belongs to him. Besides, I probably would have done the same thing. This can only make him look hot. It’s not everybody that can buzz by in his own chopper that’s armed to the teeth. “Hey babe, anybody bothers you, you just give me a call. I got it covered.” It gives a whole new meaning to don’t mess with my girl. Now the other incident he’s being criticized for is picking his brother Harry up in the chopper and flying over to a bachelor party. Now there is no way this is not a hit at a bachelor party. I’ve been to them, we would have loved to have a helicopter. Strippers, booze, porno videos and a helicopter with a rocket launcher, how is this not cool. We might even have gotten drunk and fired that puppy off a couple of times. “Oops, was that the neighbor’s new snowmobile.?” “He’s going to miss that.”All William is doing is proving he’s human like the rest of us and would like to have a good time. I think if American politicians would lighten up and do some of this silly stuff from time to time, we’d like them better. I wonder if William can play saxophone like Bill Clinton. I sort of miss that.
http://news.aol.com/story/_a/princes-helicopter-flights-questioned/20080421100209990001?icid=100214839x1200411896x1200016666

BUNGEE JUMPER USES CONDOM CORD!

Ok, this is a sport I have never tried, nor am I going to. Jumping off a bridge and nearly bashing my head into the ground has never been my idea of a good time. I’ll stick with beer and football. But apparently a South African man decided to make a jump with a bungee rope made entirely out of condoms, 18,500 of them. Number one that’s a lot of trips to the drug store. How do you explain that you want to buy over 18,000 condoms. “Do you sell condoms in bulk?” “Lubricated or non? Ribbed for her pleasure or yours?” “The strongest you have, I don’t want them to break.” “How many?” “!9,000. I don’t want to come up short.” “Would you like some Viagra to go with that.” “No I’m bungee jumping.” If he wasn’t the talk of the town before, you can bet he was after that purchase. Carl Dionisio, the brainchild behind this says he spent four months knotting them all together with a friend, who helped. He says the cord was based on a complicated mathematical formula he’d worked out. What about a condom would prompt a person to contemplate math. I suspect alcohol was involved. The formula was probably worked out on a bar napkin. They say they had difficulty tying the rope as the knots kept slipping out. Condoms are meant to slip out, repeatedly. Dionisio says he did it because he wanted to recreate that “virgin buzz” of his first jump. I suspect even more alcohol was involved. His homemade rope apparently did work since I didn’t take this from his obituary. This gives a whole new meaning to hoping your condom doesn’t break. Think of the advertising concepts for condom companies. Think of the secondary market! They’re not just for casual sex anymore. The condom of bungee jumpers everywhere. Could this be a recycling market? Ick, gross, maybe not.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/world/article.html?in_article_id=143942&in_page_id=64

AKON, NO BAD ASS! SORRY, JUST ANOTHER GUY.

The old saying goes, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. For hip-hop star Akon, that just might not be true. In a scandal that is sure to rock the musical world, it has been discovered that Grammy winner Akon alias Aliuane Badara Thiam isn’t really a bad ass. In reality, he may have been an Eagle scout that helped little old ladies cross the street. Akon’s first single record release, “Locked Up” was supposed to have been an autobiographical song about being sent to the slam for drug dealing. He claims to have spent four and a half years in prison for a variety of felonies including running a high profile car theft operation, making him an instant hit with the bad boy “gangsta” crowd. Apparently, background checks have revealed a past so scandalous, that it will rock the music world worse than Milli Vanilli did in the 80’s. Yes it’s all a lie. He swiped a Beemer. Charges were dropped. In reality, he’s a good boy. Oh horror. He’s about as bad ass as Vanilla Ice. Minor brushes with the law have provided enough of a record to show he was on probation once. Yep, that’s it, milk and cookies. He made it all up. While most of the world tries to hide their criminal past with pleas of “I didn’t do it,” Akon felt he needed one to be popular. Next thing he’ll be claiming to have killed Jimmy Hoffa just to keep his career alive. Now that this has come out, he will probably end up in some club somewhere singing old Tony Bennett tunes. Maybe Disney will pick him up for High School Musical 3 or get him to sing a title song for a new animated flop. Motown records isn’t answering questions about this and who can blame them. What are they going to say “Sorry, we thought he was a crook.”

http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/2008/04/18/akon-considered-a-fraud-for-lying-about-criminal-past/?icid=100214839x1200221685x1200007813

KEITH RICHARDS, DAD'S ASHES AND 1001 WOMEN

Keith Richards of Rolling Stones fame, if you don’t know who this is, you’re as dead as Keith looks, has come clean, again, about having snorted his father’s ashes. First he said he did, then he said he didn’t, now he’s back to did. It must be that drug memory thing. Apparently, Keith will put absolutely anything up his nose. I can’t even imagine this, nor would it occur to me to try. Apparently his dad played “got your nose” one too many times with him when he was a kid. This is a quote from Keith: “'I opened my dad's ashes and some of them blew out over the table, just because of the suction of the lid, you know what I mean? I looked at my dad's ashes down there and – what am I gonna do? Do I desecrate them with a dustbin and broom? So I wet me finger and I shoved a little bit of Dad up me hooter. The rest of them I put round an oak tree, which is coming up a treat. And I'm sure he's still blessing me.” The fact that he has no brain functions left is clearly demonstrated here. I have a suggestion, Keith, put them back in the urn. Mixing the ashes with snot is not a memorial, it’s just gross. Next thing you know their next album will feature a tune called “Snort me up.” Actually I’ve always felt that Keith’s brain stopped functioning and flat-lined some time ago. His body is so pickled from alcohol and drugs that it continues to function without the need of firing synapses. Sort of like the dinosaur that doesn’t realize it’s dead yet. They can save the formaldehyde at this funeral. Keith has claimed for years that heroin is the cure for the common cold, because he’s never had a cold. I say it’s because nothing could possibly live in that bloodstream. Of course many things about Keith’s life are questionable. Bill Wyman, bass player for the Stones says that Keith has slept with over 1000 women. Keith says he was never in it for the body count and has no idea how many have crossed his mattress. Has anybody looked at this guy. I suspect the only reason he got any was because he’s a rock star and Mick was busy. The reason he doesn’t know is he has the memory of a tuna. It’s a miracle he knows his name. It’s a miracle he’s alive. Is Keith Richards the source of miracles on earth? Oh my, I’ve found a cornflake in his image.

To check out the article about Keith, go here:
http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=143486&in_page_id=7

NAKED VIDEO BLOG - THE NEW CRAZE?

It seems, the new craze on internet megasite YouTube, is to do naked blogs. YouTube is encouraging this by giving them a featured spot on their front page, as long as it doesn’t interfere with their obsenity policies. In other words, don’t actually show anything vital. Now being a blogger, I don’t do the video and if this craze takes hold, I won’t be, you should all thank me, I really don’t think this is a good idea. Now the people doing these videos are common everyday internet geeks with no lives that probably can’t get a date on a bet. This won’t help. I looked. I had to do the research for my blog. I wish I wouldn’t have. It took me two hours to refocus my eyes. This has all the sex appeal of a herpes commercial. Frankly, some of these people should be prosecuted under a blight law. One girl had done a video in a Hillary Clinton wig trying to imitate her. Never in my wildest dreams have I ever wanted to picture Hillary naked, not even as a parody. I’m not sure she even looks at herself naked. For most of them, appearing naked is not an enhancement. I was forever traumatized when Dennis Franz showed his butt on NYPD Blue. Talk about bad career choices. (For those of you that don’t remember this heinous moment in television history and have no idea who Dennis is refer to Die Hard 2. He’s the cop that keeps giving Bruce a hard time. The fact that I have to explain that shows what it did for his career.) I think nudity should be left to the porn sites and the bad HBO/Showtime specials. I definitely do not want to see some naked kid with enough metal stuck in his head and chest to qualify as a Terminator talking about the rough time he had in computer programming class. Or why he can’t get a girl. Dude, the video is not helping. Next thing you know the elderly will be getting in on this. Happy Christmas greetings from the old folks home. The grandkids are running around screaming “I’m blind, I’m blind.” The parents are yelling “We wish we were, We wish we were.” The craze is being dubbed – The Nude-o-lution. I’m usually up for a little cutting edge dissidence but from what I’ve seen so far this one is better left on the cutting room floor.

To read more about this and see some of the prime video candidates, go here:
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=143101&in_page_id=2Or just simply log into you tube.

QUARTERBACKS, BEER BONGS AND SORORITY GIRLS

Recently, Matt Leinart got himself into hot water. That’s hot tub water with four sorority girls. For those of you that are unaware, Leinart is the young up and coming quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals. It appears he has hosted a party at his home that was attended by a plethora of Arizona State sorority girls. Oh horror. Oh Matt, why did you do it? The NFL of course, is annoyed by all of this and so is his coach who has publicly chastised Matt’s behavior. I know why he did it. Because he can! I know why everyone else is upset. They weren’t invited. A photo has escaped that shows Matt holding a “beer bong” for a blonde college girl. (Said photo can be viewed by clicking the link at the bottom of this post.) The photo screams, “I’m drunk, I’m surrounded by babes and we have beer. I love football.” Now keep in mind this was all done in the offseason, at his home, and Matt is single, a millionare, just a couple of years out of college and may have been trying to recapture glory moments of his past. The NFL is unhappy because he’s supposed to be a “Role Model.” Right now he’s mine. Actually, this could elevate him to “Hero” status. Now keep in mind, I am not a Cardinals fan. I am however a mega-football fan. The only issue I have with this is that I didn’t get to go. Vince McMahon, when he tried to make his ill-fated XFL was constantly calling the NFL the “No Fun League.” Let’s see, he wasn’t arrested, didn’t murder or assault anyone, didn’t shoot off his mouth about the NFL being a step above slavery, there wasn’t even rumors about drugs at the bash. No he had a beer party, with lots of hot college girls. Dude, you sooo rock. Hugh Hefner is old. Matt could be the heir apparent. I can see it now, Matt’s house, Playboy Mansion south. Leinart has done males everywhere proud. We are all looking at this going “wow, this just doesn’t suck.” The media may be trying to be politically correct in condemning Leinart’s behavior, me, I just want his address.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7978376/Leinart-facing-scrutiny-over-Internet-pics

MILITARY INTELLIGENCE, BOMBS NEW JERSEY HOME.

Everyone has heard the comment that Military Intelligence is one of the world’s largest oxymorons. There’s a reason the word “moron” makes up most of this word. Well, this is further proof of that statement. Apparently, in New Jersey, at a military research facility, a piece of artillery misfired and its contents deposited themselves within a New Jersey suburb home. Fortunately the shell was not armed so the house itself is still standing. It did hit the family cat, who is no longer with us. It, at the very least shows, they may have been aiming at something. Maybe it was the cat. He could have been an agent. I remember the old Bond films, Blofeld always had a cat. Then there’s Dr. Evil. I may be on to something here. Shouldn’t they be doing this somewhere like maybe a war zone, an empty desert, a law firm, not in a highly populated area. Oh yea, right, sorry, it’s that Military intelligence thing again. The dud landed about 2 and-a-half miles away from its place of origin during some tests at the Picatinny Arsenal. They say it misfired, but of course what else are you going to say, “Thought we’d take a potshot at the neighborhood, see what we could pick off.” Maybe it went something like this: “Dude don’t point that cannon in that direction, it might be loaded.” It’s OK, the safety’s on.” “OOPs.” “It’s cool man, we’re in the military. We won’t have to actually explain a thing.” And they aren’t, the whole incident, so far, is unexplained from any official source. Another thing to fall victim to the convenience of classified. They probably don’t want to start a panic. You know, the next lucky target for our suburban weapons demonstration program is… Maybe they need a motto: Pot Shots R Us. We’ll get you and your little dog too. Or cat.


http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=142355&in_page_id=2

CAT POOP COFFEE TO BE SERVED IN ENGLAND COFFEE SHOP

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK OF CAT POOP COFFEE?
What I am about to tell you is absolutely true. No names have been changed to protect the guilty or anything like that. It appears that a coffee house in London, England is going to be making coffee that has been processed by going through a cat’s digestive system. That’s right, they fish it out of the cat poop. Now here’s the kicker, you only have to pay 50 English pounds (or $100) for this taste treat. O.K. I’m a coffee drinker and I consider myself the adventurous sort. Searching through cat crap for my morning cup of Joe would not work for me. Actually I don’t want my coffee coming from any form of fecal matter, cat, dog, Juan Valdez, his llama, nothing, nada. A man named David Cooper who is supposed to be internationally renowned for his wondrous creations, has come up with this stroke of brilliance. It will be served at Peter Jones’ department store in London. I mention the name so that you know if you stop by there, not to hit the coffee shop. It’s obviously way too expensive and they will apparently put anything in their coffee. Don’t they have a health department in England? The coffee is derived from the Kopi Luwak bean. Kopi Luwak, or Civet coffee, is made from beans eaten, partly digested, and then crapped out by the Indonesian civet cat. Workers collect beans from the plantation floor, wash away the poop and roast them. Here’s my dream job, collecting and breaking up cat crap. I bet their wages are crappy too. Mr Cooper said: “These rare coffees have been slowly hand roasted for around 12 minutes to ensure that we maximize the potential of each coffee. The final roast color is quite dark to ensure that the espresso is perfect for a smooth latte or cappuccino.” Quite dark, yes I’m sure it is, sort of poop colored right? And how about that aroma, essence of litter box. This makes me appreciate my $1.20 cup of generic Columbian so much more. When I visit England, I’m sticking with tea. They don’t pass that through cats do they?

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=139241&in_page_id=34

WHEN DID GOLF BECOME A CONTACT SPORT?

Ah, the sport of gentlemen. Yes Golf, that game that commands respect, courtesy and reserve. I can see it now, the crowds hushed, the intense putt on the 18th hole, I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it. Well it seems, on a course in western Pennsylvania some older players were trying to reinvent the sport. How, you ask? With good old American violence. Yes, now I’m waking up. This is an actual quote from the local police: “The incident started when one of two men drove a ball from the No. 15 tee. Instead of going straight, the ball veered toward four men on the No. 14 fairway. It's unknown if the two yelled "fore" to warn the four men or if the stray shot hit anyone. Apparently the two men from the 15th tee went over and asked for their ball back. The four men on the 14th hole decided to give them tips on how not to hit them in the future. That’s when the fight broke out. Here’s where the clever reinvention comes in. The twosome, elderly gentlemen of 71 an 62 years of age, started beating the crap out of the foursome…apparently with their clubs. Two of the foursome ended up in the hospital. Sound familiar? What other sport thrives on beating each other with blunt instruments? Yes it’s that Canadian great…Hockey. I can see it now. We’ll call it Gockey. No ice, but all the fun of a good goal line brawl. Picture it, Tiger Woods checks his opponent into the water trap. On the next hole the offended opponent hits him from behind chucking him head first into the sand trap. Now that’s a sport! I think these old guys might be on to something. We don’t have to forget the ladies here either. Instead of sand traps, how about mud pits! Instead of those dorky polo shirts, bikinis. You knew I was goin there didn’t you. We’ll finally have it when the top money winner for the PGA smiles and he has three missing teeth and a nose that goes in two different directions.

For the story that inspired this bit of speculation, go here:http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2008/04/09/this-is-why-you-should-always-yell-fore-even-on-good-tee-shot/

WILD TURKEYS FIND POSTAL WORKERS HOT!

The bane of a postal worker is usually a dog. In Wisconsin however, it seems that another animal has decided to give local mailmen a hard time, wild turkeys. Like a local street gang, these turkeys, in groups of 5-10 have been regularly assaulting the friendly neighborhood mail carriers. The attacks from these unruly ruffians have been quite violent. Several have attacked with the sharp spurs they have on their legs and one even attacked the postman while he was still inside of his truck! So what has the post office done to anger these turkeys? Nothing according to the local Post Office head, but one of the state Department of Natural Resources employees has a theory. The turkeys just may have a thing for Postal uniforms. Yes, apparently the birds are a bit kinky. You know what they say about someone in uniform. A regional wildlife supervisor says “It is clearly tied to the breeding season.” Which is coincidentally, right now. All I have to say is these postmen better watch when they bend over. They could have a horny turkey glued to their butt. During mating season, a male turkey’s head will turn from gaudy blue, to white, to red. Yep, that about covers the colors of the post office. The supervisor’s theory is that they may be attracted to the colors of the trucks, thus inducing a sexual frenzy and a hormone crazed attack. Can you prosecute wildlife for sexual harassment? The wildlife supervisor also says that locals feeding the turkeys may also be causing part of the problem by making them less afraid of humans. It sounds more like to me they’re feeding them vitamin E. The postal workers so far have tried to defend themselves with squirt guns and sticks, but this isn’t deterring the sexual enthusiasm. Personally I say turkey dinner anyone?

To read the article for this, go here:
WILD TURKEYS

ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY HEDGEHOG

A New Zealand man, William Singalargh has assaulted a 15 year old boy with a …hedgehog. Yes, I said a hedgehog. I’ve always heard that the Kiwi’s were a bit unconventional, but this is definitely over the top. Apparently it was the only thing close at hand he could throw at the kid. Yes, he threw it at the kid. He couldn’t have picked up a stick? I’m sure this poor little hedgehog was just minding his own business, when this big creature came by and grabbed him, picked him up and hurled him through the air. “Minding my own business, looking for lunch, don’t pick me up, don’t pick me up. Wait a minute, hey, I don’t fly. Yo-Yo, no wings here.” The article doesn’t state what the 15-year-old did to deserve such a strange attack, but it does say he only received minor damage. The local police admit that this is a new one for them. The man is being charged with “assault with a hedgehog.” The only casualty was the hedgehog who was found dead at the scene. They are considering charging Singalargh with animal cruelty, but they are unsure whether the animal was alive before the attack. This lends one to the inevitable conclusion that he may have been throwing road kill at the kid. “You little brat, I’m gonna get you with, with, with, (He looks around) …a dead hedgehog.” Actually he better hope it was dead because if it wasn’t, the British Society for the Preservation of Hedgehogs will go after him. A couple of years ago, they won a lawsuit against McDonalds Corp. over the lids of their Flurry cups. They were just the right size so that hedgehogs would get their heads caught in them when they would try to lick the leftover ice cream out of them. If the B.S for the P.O.H can take on someone as big as McDonalds, Singalargh hasn’t got a hedgehog’s chance in hell. His lawyer says he intends to plead innocent. He faces up to five years in prison. I’m not sure how that one would go over once you are in prison. “What ya in for?” “Assault with a hedgehog.” “I got your hedgehog…”

To read the actual article, go here:
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=136434&in_page_id=2

AREA 51 - GROOM LAKE - HOMEY AIRPORT?

Today’s topic is the renaming of Area 51. You know, the “top-secret” Air Force Base in Nevada where they supposedly hid all of the space aliens. The place is also known as Groom Lake, this facility has been a long time source of a good bit of speculation and mystery. It has been an even bigger source of denial. First, since the completion of the base sometime in the early 1950’s until 1994 our government denied that the base existed at all. We didn’t believe them, of course. And we speculated about what the place might really be and, more importantly why they denied its existence. Then they said it was a common research facility, we didn’t believe that either, at least the common part anyway. Then it was just a plain Air Force Base. Yea right. Of course now that the U.S. government has finally acknowledged its existence, they have decided to give it an actual name: Homey Airport. It has such a nice down home feel to it doesn’t it. So common, easily overlooked, nothing special about it. The Air Force claims it has no idea where the name comes from, apparently that too is classified, top secret and they’re not allowed to talk about it. I think the idea was to give the place a more hip, up-to-date feel. You know, stationed at “Homey with my homies.” But, as usual the Government is behind the times since the word “homey went out with the ‘90’s along with Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer and “In Living Color.” Maybe it’s a new Air Force plan to gloss over the fact you’re going to be stationed in the most God forsaken place on earth, the Nevada desert. “We’re sending you here, there’s absolutely no one around, nothing to do, you can never talk about it and you’ll never see the light of day again. But, it’s a nice Homey place. You’re going to love it.” Since the recent rash of UFO sightings in Texas and California, maybe they think the new name will attract Aliens better. Possibly a slogan like: “Homey Airport! We’ll leave the landing lights on for you.”

To read the article about this announcement by the Air Force, go here:
http://www.airforcetimes.com/news/2008/01/airforce_area51_newname_080122w/

CROOK BOTCHES FUNERAL PARLOR BREAK-IN

CROOK BOTCHES FUNERAL PARLOR BREAK-IN.

It seems to me the criminal mind just isn’t what it used to be. Where there were clever plots, intricate plans, elaborate schemes, now has degenerated into impulsive, spur of the moment, absurdities. It’s enough to make great thieves roll over in their graves. Take the case of the man who broke into the funeral parlor in Spain. First thing is that, he made so much noise breaking in he would have awakened the dead. He did awaken the neighbors who called the police over the racket. What was this guy thinking? “Maybe I’ll just stop by to get a feel for the place?” He certainly wasn’t there to make funeral arrangements. The next baffling move he made was when the police arrived, he chose to lie under a glass case imitating a corpse as his hiding place. Apparently, in Spain, the mourners are allowed to view the deceased through a glass case during the wake. Hiding in plain sight does not qualify as hiding. The idea of being a dead ringer for a corpse may have merit, but, if you’re going to play dead, hold your breath. The cops spotted him because he was still breathing. Dead giveaway if you ask me. That and the fact that his clothes were rumpled and dirty from the break in. The guy may not have been deceased, but his brain was, flat-lined, no firing of the synapses what so ever. He makes zombies look smart. The police or the owners of the funeral parlor still don’t know what he broke in for. There was no money or valuables in the place at all. They are baffled over the intent of the break-in. I wonder if his name is Igor and he works for an exiled Bavarian doctor that performs dubious experiments with lightning on dark nights in old castles. You just can’t get good help these days.

If you want to check out the actual news story, go here:http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080402/ap_on_fe_st/odd_spain_playing_dead