MICHAEL JACKSON SWEARS OFF WOMEN?

That headline graced the top of an article I just couldn’t resist. You’ll find the link to it below. I didn’t know Michael had anything to do with women. Even Lisa Marie Presley admits that their relationship had little relationship to a relationship. I thought it was all small children and prepubescent boys along with the occasional chimp. The article says he let his nanny go whom he was apparently having a “relationship” with and has sworn off women for the time being. This comes as he moves ahead to record his first album of new music in god knows how long. What’s it going to be called “Broke?” Personally, I think the airwaves were just fine without him. It probably won’t be long and we will see the “nanny” smeared all over the tabloids after she made a beeline to her lawyer’s office in an effort to join the long list of multitudes that has already sued him. That’s probably why he’s recording the album. The legal fees, light bills, taxes, that endless barrage of costs that his weird personal life has brought him, should have sent him to the poor house by now. In an effort to focus on the music, he has reportedly banned his children from the recording studio. This has got to be this first time he has banned children from anywhere. I suppose though, if you’re constantly fantasizing about them, you can‘t concentrate. In a recent attempt to restore his credibility and appear somewhere other than a tabloid, he granted an interview with Ebony magazine, for which they put him on the cover. Ebony? Sorry, this man? There’s definately more ivory going on here than Ebony. Michael is so white he makes Barack Obama look black. The cover, which appeared in the December 2007 issue, has Michael in a white suit with a white background in a vain effort to show some contrast. All it does is prove how white he really is. It’s also been rumored that up and coming star Akon will appear on the album along with Michael. You know the rap star that had to forge a criminal career so he would fit in. Maybe he thinks hanging out with Michael will sully up his image a bit and make him appear “Bad.” Though I have to admit, Michael isn’t one who has the “Gangsta” image and hanging out with a weirdo like Mike probably isn’t going to help his resume. Personally, I think, instead of swearing off women, Michael should swear off his career, take few hints from Howard Hughes and lock himself away and cuddle up with the Elephant Man.

http://www.theboombox.com/2008/04/25/michael-jackson-swears-off-women/?icid=100214839x1200764619x1200027890

BUDWEISER, BOOZE AND BIBLES - CHURCH MEETS AT THE PUB

How about some cocktails with your sermon? In Sidney, Ohio, the Country Rock Church is now holding services in a local pub. Their website promotes: “Top regional bands, pizza, wings, rowdy fun and a short message.” I’ve never known a sermon to be short, but if I’m drunk I don’t care. The ten commandments say nothing about getting loaded during church services. Now that I recall didn’t Jesus drink wine? Wow, a match made in heaven. Their first Sunday night service brought around 100 attendees. I expect it perked up a slow night for the bar. The first sermon compared life with the bar’s mechanical bull. Yee, haw, Ride ‘em cowboy. I bet that idea came after a couple of shots of tequila. Rev. Chris Heckaman says people really seemed to enjoy themselves. Chris, they were drunk. That’s the idea of getting drunk. Now I’ve always understood there are two taboos in a bar. You never talk about religion or politics. But then again, taboos are made to be broken and apparently the Reverend is a live on the edge kind of guy. I wonder if he tried the bull? Do some of the offerings go to tip the barmaids? Can you get up to go pee in the middle of the sermon? Beer can create awfully urgent situations. Do they rename the food for the evening? Fire and brimstone hot wings. The Good God Super Deluxe Pizza. Does the band work up a couple of hymns for the night or do they just stick with the old standards like Ghost Riders in the Sky and Free Bird. I can see where a little Stairway to Heaven could work. The Reverend says they are going to be meeting there every week. So remember, be kind, tip generously, and the Jello shots are on special. Next week’s sermon – eight ball in the corner pocket!

You have to check this out! Click the link below for the church website:
http://www.sidneyfirst.com/Discover/CountryRockChurch/tabid/140/Default.aspx
To read the news article about this click this link:http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/04/21/5348111-ap.html

AKON, NO BAD ASS! SORRY, JUST ANOTHER GUY.

The old saying goes, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. For hip-hop star Akon, that just might not be true. In a scandal that is sure to rock the musical world, it has been discovered that Grammy winner Akon alias Aliuane Badara Thiam isn’t really a bad ass. In reality, he may have been an Eagle scout that helped little old ladies cross the street. Akon’s first single record release, “Locked Up” was supposed to have been an autobiographical song about being sent to the slam for drug dealing. He claims to have spent four and a half years in prison for a variety of felonies including running a high profile car theft operation, making him an instant hit with the bad boy “gangsta” crowd. Apparently, background checks have revealed a past so scandalous, that it will rock the music world worse than Milli Vanilli did in the 80’s. Yes it’s all a lie. He swiped a Beemer. Charges were dropped. In reality, he’s a good boy. Oh horror. He’s about as bad ass as Vanilla Ice. Minor brushes with the law have provided enough of a record to show he was on probation once. Yep, that’s it, milk and cookies. He made it all up. While most of the world tries to hide their criminal past with pleas of “I didn’t do it,” Akon felt he needed one to be popular. Next thing he’ll be claiming to have killed Jimmy Hoffa just to keep his career alive. Now that this has come out, he will probably end up in some club somewhere singing old Tony Bennett tunes. Maybe Disney will pick him up for High School Musical 3 or get him to sing a title song for a new animated flop. Motown records isn’t answering questions about this and who can blame them. What are they going to say “Sorry, we thought he was a crook.”

http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/2008/04/18/akon-considered-a-fraud-for-lying-about-criminal-past/?icid=100214839x1200221685x1200007813

KEITH RICHARDS, DAD'S ASHES AND 1001 WOMEN

Keith Richards of Rolling Stones fame, if you don’t know who this is, you’re as dead as Keith looks, has come clean, again, about having snorted his father’s ashes. First he said he did, then he said he didn’t, now he’s back to did. It must be that drug memory thing. Apparently, Keith will put absolutely anything up his nose. I can’t even imagine this, nor would it occur to me to try. Apparently his dad played “got your nose” one too many times with him when he was a kid. This is a quote from Keith: “'I opened my dad's ashes and some of them blew out over the table, just because of the suction of the lid, you know what I mean? I looked at my dad's ashes down there and – what am I gonna do? Do I desecrate them with a dustbin and broom? So I wet me finger and I shoved a little bit of Dad up me hooter. The rest of them I put round an oak tree, which is coming up a treat. And I'm sure he's still blessing me.” The fact that he has no brain functions left is clearly demonstrated here. I have a suggestion, Keith, put them back in the urn. Mixing the ashes with snot is not a memorial, it’s just gross. Next thing you know their next album will feature a tune called “Snort me up.” Actually I’ve always felt that Keith’s brain stopped functioning and flat-lined some time ago. His body is so pickled from alcohol and drugs that it continues to function without the need of firing synapses. Sort of like the dinosaur that doesn’t realize it’s dead yet. They can save the formaldehyde at this funeral. Keith has claimed for years that heroin is the cure for the common cold, because he’s never had a cold. I say it’s because nothing could possibly live in that bloodstream. Of course many things about Keith’s life are questionable. Bill Wyman, bass player for the Stones says that Keith has slept with over 1000 women. Keith says he was never in it for the body count and has no idea how many have crossed his mattress. Has anybody looked at this guy. I suspect the only reason he got any was because he’s a rock star and Mick was busy. The reason he doesn’t know is he has the memory of a tuna. It’s a miracle he knows his name. It’s a miracle he’s alive. Is Keith Richards the source of miracles on earth? Oh my, I’ve found a cornflake in his image.

To check out the article about Keith, go here:
http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=143486&in_page_id=7