MILITARY INTELLIGENCE, BOMBS NEW JERSEY HOME.

Everyone has heard the comment that Military Intelligence is one of the world’s largest oxymorons. There’s a reason the word “moron” makes up most of this word. Well, this is further proof of that statement. Apparently, in New Jersey, at a military research facility, a piece of artillery misfired and its contents deposited themselves within a New Jersey suburb home. Fortunately the shell was not armed so the house itself is still standing. It did hit the family cat, who is no longer with us. It, at the very least shows, they may have been aiming at something. Maybe it was the cat. He could have been an agent. I remember the old Bond films, Blofeld always had a cat. Then there’s Dr. Evil. I may be on to something here. Shouldn’t they be doing this somewhere like maybe a war zone, an empty desert, a law firm, not in a highly populated area. Oh yea, right, sorry, it’s that Military intelligence thing again. The dud landed about 2 and-a-half miles away from its place of origin during some tests at the Picatinny Arsenal. They say it misfired, but of course what else are you going to say, “Thought we’d take a potshot at the neighborhood, see what we could pick off.” Maybe it went something like this: “Dude don’t point that cannon in that direction, it might be loaded.” It’s OK, the safety’s on.” “OOPs.” “It’s cool man, we’re in the military. We won’t have to actually explain a thing.” And they aren’t, the whole incident, so far, is unexplained from any official source. Another thing to fall victim to the convenience of classified. They probably don’t want to start a panic. You know, the next lucky target for our suburban weapons demonstration program is… Maybe they need a motto: Pot Shots R Us. We’ll get you and your little dog too. Or cat.


http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=142355&in_page_id=2

CAT POOP COFFEE TO BE SERVED IN ENGLAND COFFEE SHOP

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK OF CAT POOP COFFEE?
What I am about to tell you is absolutely true. No names have been changed to protect the guilty or anything like that. It appears that a coffee house in London, England is going to be making coffee that has been processed by going through a cat’s digestive system. That’s right, they fish it out of the cat poop. Now here’s the kicker, you only have to pay 50 English pounds (or $100) for this taste treat. O.K. I’m a coffee drinker and I consider myself the adventurous sort. Searching through cat crap for my morning cup of Joe would not work for me. Actually I don’t want my coffee coming from any form of fecal matter, cat, dog, Juan Valdez, his llama, nothing, nada. A man named David Cooper who is supposed to be internationally renowned for his wondrous creations, has come up with this stroke of brilliance. It will be served at Peter Jones’ department store in London. I mention the name so that you know if you stop by there, not to hit the coffee shop. It’s obviously way too expensive and they will apparently put anything in their coffee. Don’t they have a health department in England? The coffee is derived from the Kopi Luwak bean. Kopi Luwak, or Civet coffee, is made from beans eaten, partly digested, and then crapped out by the Indonesian civet cat. Workers collect beans from the plantation floor, wash away the poop and roast them. Here’s my dream job, collecting and breaking up cat crap. I bet their wages are crappy too. Mr Cooper said: “These rare coffees have been slowly hand roasted for around 12 minutes to ensure that we maximize the potential of each coffee. The final roast color is quite dark to ensure that the espresso is perfect for a smooth latte or cappuccino.” Quite dark, yes I’m sure it is, sort of poop colored right? And how about that aroma, essence of litter box. This makes me appreciate my $1.20 cup of generic Columbian so much more. When I visit England, I’m sticking with tea. They don’t pass that through cats do they?

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=139241&in_page_id=34

WHEN DID GOLF BECOME A CONTACT SPORT?

Ah, the sport of gentlemen. Yes Golf, that game that commands respect, courtesy and reserve. I can see it now, the crowds hushed, the intense putt on the 18th hole, I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it. Well it seems, on a course in western Pennsylvania some older players were trying to reinvent the sport. How, you ask? With good old American violence. Yes, now I’m waking up. This is an actual quote from the local police: “The incident started when one of two men drove a ball from the No. 15 tee. Instead of going straight, the ball veered toward four men on the No. 14 fairway. It's unknown if the two yelled "fore" to warn the four men or if the stray shot hit anyone. Apparently the two men from the 15th tee went over and asked for their ball back. The four men on the 14th hole decided to give them tips on how not to hit them in the future. That’s when the fight broke out. Here’s where the clever reinvention comes in. The twosome, elderly gentlemen of 71 an 62 years of age, started beating the crap out of the foursome…apparently with their clubs. Two of the foursome ended up in the hospital. Sound familiar? What other sport thrives on beating each other with blunt instruments? Yes it’s that Canadian great…Hockey. I can see it now. We’ll call it Gockey. No ice, but all the fun of a good goal line brawl. Picture it, Tiger Woods checks his opponent into the water trap. On the next hole the offended opponent hits him from behind chucking him head first into the sand trap. Now that’s a sport! I think these old guys might be on to something. We don’t have to forget the ladies here either. Instead of sand traps, how about mud pits! Instead of those dorky polo shirts, bikinis. You knew I was goin there didn’t you. We’ll finally have it when the top money winner for the PGA smiles and he has three missing teeth and a nose that goes in two different directions.

For the story that inspired this bit of speculation, go here:http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2008/04/09/this-is-why-you-should-always-yell-fore-even-on-good-tee-shot/

WILD TURKEYS FIND POSTAL WORKERS HOT!

The bane of a postal worker is usually a dog. In Wisconsin however, it seems that another animal has decided to give local mailmen a hard time, wild turkeys. Like a local street gang, these turkeys, in groups of 5-10 have been regularly assaulting the friendly neighborhood mail carriers. The attacks from these unruly ruffians have been quite violent. Several have attacked with the sharp spurs they have on their legs and one even attacked the postman while he was still inside of his truck! So what has the post office done to anger these turkeys? Nothing according to the local Post Office head, but one of the state Department of Natural Resources employees has a theory. The turkeys just may have a thing for Postal uniforms. Yes, apparently the birds are a bit kinky. You know what they say about someone in uniform. A regional wildlife supervisor says “It is clearly tied to the breeding season.” Which is coincidentally, right now. All I have to say is these postmen better watch when they bend over. They could have a horny turkey glued to their butt. During mating season, a male turkey’s head will turn from gaudy blue, to white, to red. Yep, that about covers the colors of the post office. The supervisor’s theory is that they may be attracted to the colors of the trucks, thus inducing a sexual frenzy and a hormone crazed attack. Can you prosecute wildlife for sexual harassment? The wildlife supervisor also says that locals feeding the turkeys may also be causing part of the problem by making them less afraid of humans. It sounds more like to me they’re feeding them vitamin E. The postal workers so far have tried to defend themselves with squirt guns and sticks, but this isn’t deterring the sexual enthusiasm. Personally I say turkey dinner anyone?

To read the article for this, go here:
WILD TURKEYS

ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY HEDGEHOG

A New Zealand man, William Singalargh has assaulted a 15 year old boy with a …hedgehog. Yes, I said a hedgehog. I’ve always heard that the Kiwi’s were a bit unconventional, but this is definitely over the top. Apparently it was the only thing close at hand he could throw at the kid. Yes, he threw it at the kid. He couldn’t have picked up a stick? I’m sure this poor little hedgehog was just minding his own business, when this big creature came by and grabbed him, picked him up and hurled him through the air. “Minding my own business, looking for lunch, don’t pick me up, don’t pick me up. Wait a minute, hey, I don’t fly. Yo-Yo, no wings here.” The article doesn’t state what the 15-year-old did to deserve such a strange attack, but it does say he only received minor damage. The local police admit that this is a new one for them. The man is being charged with “assault with a hedgehog.” The only casualty was the hedgehog who was found dead at the scene. They are considering charging Singalargh with animal cruelty, but they are unsure whether the animal was alive before the attack. This lends one to the inevitable conclusion that he may have been throwing road kill at the kid. “You little brat, I’m gonna get you with, with, with, (He looks around) …a dead hedgehog.” Actually he better hope it was dead because if it wasn’t, the British Society for the Preservation of Hedgehogs will go after him. A couple of years ago, they won a lawsuit against McDonalds Corp. over the lids of their Flurry cups. They were just the right size so that hedgehogs would get their heads caught in them when they would try to lick the leftover ice cream out of them. If the B.S for the P.O.H can take on someone as big as McDonalds, Singalargh hasn’t got a hedgehog’s chance in hell. His lawyer says he intends to plead innocent. He faces up to five years in prison. I’m not sure how that one would go over once you are in prison. “What ya in for?” “Assault with a hedgehog.” “I got your hedgehog…”

To read the actual article, go here:
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=136434&in_page_id=2

AREA 51 - GROOM LAKE - HOMEY AIRPORT?

Today’s topic is the renaming of Area 51. You know, the “top-secret” Air Force Base in Nevada where they supposedly hid all of the space aliens. The place is also known as Groom Lake, this facility has been a long time source of a good bit of speculation and mystery. It has been an even bigger source of denial. First, since the completion of the base sometime in the early 1950’s until 1994 our government denied that the base existed at all. We didn’t believe them, of course. And we speculated about what the place might really be and, more importantly why they denied its existence. Then they said it was a common research facility, we didn’t believe that either, at least the common part anyway. Then it was just a plain Air Force Base. Yea right. Of course now that the U.S. government has finally acknowledged its existence, they have decided to give it an actual name: Homey Airport. It has such a nice down home feel to it doesn’t it. So common, easily overlooked, nothing special about it. The Air Force claims it has no idea where the name comes from, apparently that too is classified, top secret and they’re not allowed to talk about it. I think the idea was to give the place a more hip, up-to-date feel. You know, stationed at “Homey with my homies.” But, as usual the Government is behind the times since the word “homey went out with the ‘90’s along with Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer and “In Living Color.” Maybe it’s a new Air Force plan to gloss over the fact you’re going to be stationed in the most God forsaken place on earth, the Nevada desert. “We’re sending you here, there’s absolutely no one around, nothing to do, you can never talk about it and you’ll never see the light of day again. But, it’s a nice Homey place. You’re going to love it.” Since the recent rash of UFO sightings in Texas and California, maybe they think the new name will attract Aliens better. Possibly a slogan like: “Homey Airport! We’ll leave the landing lights on for you.”

To read the article about this announcement by the Air Force, go here:
http://www.airforcetimes.com/news/2008/01/airforce_area51_newname_080122w/

CROOK BOTCHES FUNERAL PARLOR BREAK-IN

CROOK BOTCHES FUNERAL PARLOR BREAK-IN.

It seems to me the criminal mind just isn’t what it used to be. Where there were clever plots, intricate plans, elaborate schemes, now has degenerated into impulsive, spur of the moment, absurdities. It’s enough to make great thieves roll over in their graves. Take the case of the man who broke into the funeral parlor in Spain. First thing is that, he made so much noise breaking in he would have awakened the dead. He did awaken the neighbors who called the police over the racket. What was this guy thinking? “Maybe I’ll just stop by to get a feel for the place?” He certainly wasn’t there to make funeral arrangements. The next baffling move he made was when the police arrived, he chose to lie under a glass case imitating a corpse as his hiding place. Apparently, in Spain, the mourners are allowed to view the deceased through a glass case during the wake. Hiding in plain sight does not qualify as hiding. The idea of being a dead ringer for a corpse may have merit, but, if you’re going to play dead, hold your breath. The cops spotted him because he was still breathing. Dead giveaway if you ask me. That and the fact that his clothes were rumpled and dirty from the break in. The guy may not have been deceased, but his brain was, flat-lined, no firing of the synapses what so ever. He makes zombies look smart. The police or the owners of the funeral parlor still don’t know what he broke in for. There was no money or valuables in the place at all. They are baffled over the intent of the break-in. I wonder if his name is Igor and he works for an exiled Bavarian doctor that performs dubious experiments with lightning on dark nights in old castles. You just can’t get good help these days.

If you want to check out the actual news story, go here:http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080402/ap_on_fe_st/odd_spain_playing_dead